The obligatory year-end post

The early part of this year can be summed up in one word: disastrous. My marriage was an epic failure through no fault of my own and I suffered a lot. Of course, it was partially my fault for not leaving my husband sooner than I did, but I wanted it to work out so much. Ah well. I learned my lesson about expecting a cheater to change. And this year has been disastrous throughout in regards to employment. I spent nearly seven months of this year unemployed, and now the job I do have isn't scheduling me, so I'm basically unemployed again. It feels like I can't catch a break in that aspect of my life. The one bright spot in everything was meeting the bf. If you refer to the beginning of my blog, I was very cynical about love and had lost hope that I'd ever find true love. He renewed my faith in love. I am the most in love I've ever been, and my family has welcomed him with open arms. Not to mention his family really seems to dig me. In that aspect of my life I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. So to sum up, a LOT of bad stuff happened this year, but my love life couldn't have turned out better.

*sigh*

I want a divorce. NOW. Yes, the whole point of me moving out was with the intentions of getting a divorce. But I realize the longer he stays in my life at all, the longer my pain and aggravation is going to be drawn out. I need him completely and totally out of my life and to never have contact with him again. That won't happen of course while he still has insurance on me, but the second I get a job with my own insurance I can divorce him and never have to talk to him again. It's becoming increasingly apparent that I'm going to have to take him to court one way or the other for it to happen in an expeditious manner. I really didn't want to have to, but I'm prepared to show evidence of his infidelity... a tattered old print out of a Craigslist ad of his I keep in my purse, e-mails from an account he gave me the password to between him and two other girls, his AdultFriendFinder ad (which is still up to this day) which clearly lists him as married and... well, that's the one whose content I won't discuss even though no one I know reads this blog, but needless to say it'll be a shock to the judge. I'm not willing to stay married to him freaking indefinitely. I want to move on with my life, and most importantly my bf says he won't propose to me till my divorce is final. It's not fair to keep him waiting forever.

While still sort of on the subject of painful memories...

My husband raped me once. I didn't want to have sex with him without a condom 'cause I wasn't on birth control yet, I said no, and he did it anyway. I had to get emergency birth control the next day. And since leaving him I've been raped twice. Never reported my husband because, well, I was married to him so even though I felt violated, I let it slide. The other two I never reported because I felt like they were my fault. *sigh*

It could be worse

So the recent fighting with my husband has left me really drained. I'm so sick of his fucking lies and all the painful memories he brings up every time I talk to him. It doesn't help that I've been having bad dreams about him too. You know, the same old one where we're still together and I discover him cheating all over again. Had that dream twice this week. I wake up from it and the wounds feel so fresh. Not to mention I've been really, really depressed in general this week... thought I was going to have to go back in the hospital for a while there. I've had a really hard time falling asleep and staying asleep lately too. I finally saw my doctor Thursday, and he prescribed me something for sleep. Before that, let's just say I had to get a little creative with how I finally ended up getting to sleep, and it was not in the healthiest way. *sigh*

However, like it says in the title of this entry, things could be worse. I had all these negative forces swirling around me, and for a while I lost sight of the things in my life that truly make me happy. To some degree I think that's what depression means, at least to me. Very rarely do I ever lose my ability to find joy in life, but I get so sucked into the negative that I lose sight of the positive. In the last day or two my focus has shifted back to the positive aspects of my life, and I feel so much better. I have two wonderful cats who I love like children. I've got a supportive family and a best friend who's always there for me. And most of all, there's the bf.

My current relationship is like all relationships... it has its ups and downs. But it still shocks me sometimes how happy he makes me. It really does. I have never cried tears of joy in a relationship before, not even on my wedding day. All my relationships, from the time I started dating, have been really dysfunctional. The two other major relationships... well, the first one I was desperately in love with the guy, but we fought about everything. Not like bickering either. We bickered a lot too, but at least once a week we had some huge blow up over something trivial and I would be crying my eyes out. And it was long-distance for the whole 4 years we were together, so it was dysfunctional by virtue of that alone.

My relationship with my husband was completely different. I met him about six weeks after my ex dumped me. We hit it off pretty much immediately, but I never had the strong, passionate feelings for him that I had for my ex, which I assumed had to do with the fact that I was better medicated and the extremity of those feelings had just been a function of my illness. It was really... I don't know, comfortable I guess is the best word for it. I thought that because he and I didn't have big blow-up fights and we seemed to always be happy around each other, the relationship was really stable, so much so that I felt generally confident marrying him. We had a really crappy sex life (once every month or two, are you fucking kidding me?), but the idea of a life of stability overshadowed that. Come to find out my husband was a fucking sociopath who didn't understand why I was so effing upset that he was either cheating or attempting to cheat on me even before we got married (if it hasn't been said before, I didn't find out till two and a half months after the wedding). Furthermore, he didn't understand why we couldn't stay together and just sleep with other people. I fully admit to cheating on my husband. ONCE, two weeks before I left him. And that was after he said he only loved me like a sister and if I EVER wanted to have sex again, I'd need to get it somewhere else. Oh, and while I'm on a roll talking about all the shit he put me through, how about blaming his cheating behavior on me? Anything he could think of... my weight, my acne (I had it a lot worse at the time), the way I dressed, the fact that I didn't wear make-up... the list goes on. So I lost weight, I worked really hard on getting my skin to clear up (with some success), I let him pick out my clothes, I wore make-up more often, and I quit smoking. Did it make our sex life better? No. I still found his personals ads. I still found his e-mails between him and the first girl I know he cheated on me with. Did I mention he got me into a threesome with her? Yeah, his "good friend" who had been coming over while I was in the hospital (an 18 year old who was married, btw), I admit it, something happened once. And I was so fucking upset about it that I overdosed the next day and wound up in the emergency room. And I was a dumbass to not see what was right in front of my fucking face when they were on the phone all the time and he'd go into the other room to talk to her. And he actually convinced me to let her move in with us for a week when she was trying to get away from an abusive husband. I found him asleep on the futon with her instead of in bed with me one night. Still, I gave him the benefit of the doubt with her till I found his e-mails telling her how much he missed her and wished he was with her, and hers asking if he was still planning to leave me for her. All less than four months into our marriage. I gave him so many freaking second chances it's not even funny. I'm not even going to get into the one personals ad of his I found that was, well... I won't say it because even though I never mention his name in my blog and no one who knows him reads this, it's something I've only shared with one other person besides my therapist and I'll keep that secret for now. And how could I forget, when he finally agreed to go to therapy with me, he refused to talk to the therapist about our sex life, which is what he said the problem was. And that very night he was out till 5 am having sex with some woman he met on the internet. He never said as much, but he'd said he had a date (once he finally quit bullshitting me) with a woman from Summerville, and when I called him at 3:45 am he was still in fucking Summerville. Again, he never told me he fucked her, but I have my sources, and it was more than confirmed. And that was the day after my birthday. He didn't even switch shifts with someone so he could come to dinner with my family on my birthday, and the next night he went out and fucked some woman he just met. That was the last fucking straw. A week and a half later I moved out, and he asked me to fucking stay! *sigh* I have gotten really off the point of my entry. I'd just never really told that story, so I felt it had to be done. Point is, our relationship was endlessly dysfunctional, and it wasn't at all my fault. Now, it was my fault for giving him second chances in the first place and believing he would change, but I learned my lesson in the end.

My relationship now... I have both that passionate love and the comfort of my past two relationships, without the fighting, without the endless deceit, and it brings me the greatest joy I've ever known. He loves me the way I've always wanted to be loved, and we have the kind of physical spark my husband and I never had (which he totally blamed on me, btw). I have someone who finally understands me, who doesn't pretend to know what's good for me more than I do, who loves me with every fiber of his being. And I finally know the kind of love I'm capable of too. This is the most in love I've ever been, and that makes all the shit I went through with my husband worthwhile, because it led me to meeting someone who could very well be my soulmate. My past hurts... a LOT. But so much good has come of it that 95% of the time I forget about it.

I AM A BITCH

Things have gotten really ugly lately with my husband. Well, on two separate occasions. The first time it was about money and him trying to get out of keeping me covered by health insurance till we divorce in May. I felt really cornered, so I threatened him with every bit of legal action I could possibly bring against him (as I have been advised by a lawyer). Well, that's not really being a bitch, that's just covering my ass. BUT I found out why he has traveled to New York twice in the last couple months and has been looking for a job up there. I discovered he has a girlfriend up there. Well, as of yesterday he HAD a girlfriend up there, I'm not sure if he still does. That's where I come in. I refuse to reveal the source of my information, but let's just say the way I find things out is pretty bitchy by nature. ANYWAY he's been hitting me up for money for the health insurance he has on me and complaining he's broke, but I found out he was flying to New York YET AGAIN this month! So I looked into it more and find this girlfriend. Now, for all I knew he may have been completely honest with her about what happened in our marriage and how it came to an end, but I found her on Facebook and merely told her that she'd be wise to keep an eye on him. When she seemed surprised that I referred to myself as his wife (yes, for those keeping score, we're still legally married so I'm still technically his wife) and inquired why I'd be giving such advise, I told her exactly what happened leading to our separation. YES, I know that's a really bitchy thing to do. But honestly, I WISH someone had been there to warn me about him to save me all the shit I went through. Needless to say he found out about it. He tried to tell me he'd been honest with her about everything, but considering she A) thought he was divorced, B) thought HE left ME, and C) apparently had no clue about the infidelity, I think that's just one of the billion lies he surrounds himself with. His problem (one of MANY) is that he lies about EVERYTHING at this point because he KNOWS no woman will like him for who he is knowing he's shown a pattern of cheating. He may have been telling the truth about not cheating on the new girlfriend, but every woman who's not completely gullible knows if a man will cheat on one woman, he'll cheat on any woman. I admit I have been a complete bitch about the whole matter, but he's lied to me way too much and thought of no one but himself, and I really don't feel too bad seeing him feel even a fraction of the pain he caused me. So there you go. I'm a bitch.

Back from Missouri

The bf and I went to Missouri for the week of Thanksgiving to visit his family. I was terrified that they wouldn't like me, but it seems like they like me quite a bit, which is awesome. The boy has a HUGE extended family... being a blended family I find that pretty easy to believe, but it was a little overwhelming trying to remember everyone's name. It was great seeing the bf so happy. We're considering moving up to Missouri to be closer to his family. It would be a big step for me, but I think by the time our lease runs out down here I'll be ready to take it. I have a lot of faith in our relationship and I think if we're going to move away, we should at least be somewhere where one of us has a support network.

We both gained weight while we were up there, and that's the freaking last straw for me. We need to eat better, exercise, and quit smoking (cigarettes are really expensive down here, and more up there). I am not content to be as heavy as I've gotten, and I know he wants to lose weight too. We can always start by walking around the apartment complex every night and gradually work up to jogging or bike riding. As for what we eat, that kind of falls on my shoulders to buy healthy groceries and prepare food at home. I'm not saying the bf's a bad cook, but I'm sort of a control freak when it comes to cooking so I'd just as soon cook myself. I'll have to look around online for recipes for simple healthy meals that don't cost a lot.

Meet Maximus!

So the bf and I went to Pet Helpers (the local no-kill shelter) yesterday. Honestly, I had just intended to show him the facility because I think they have a really nice setup in there for the cats and maybe sit down and pet a couple of them. Then one of the volunteers who was showing us around brought out a cat they'd named Clark Kent. I got to hold him, and he was soooooooo sweet and, well, one thing led to another and we adopted him. We dubbed him Maximus (Max for short), which is actually a little inaccurate considering he's so trim and he's not full grown yet. He's six and a half months old, obviously black and white, neutered, microchipped, and UTD on his shots, so considering how much Nova's shots were when we took her to the vet last, the adoption fee really paid for itself. More about him... he's still a little scared. Nova hissed at him a lot yesterday when we brought him home, so he spent most of the night and half of the day cowering under the bed. He's getting a little more sure of himself now. He'll come out from under the bed to get love and even come out into the living room within about five feet of Nova. She's actually taking it like a champ. She's still growling when he gets that close, but she hasn't bopped him or hissed at him, so I think that's an improvement. Still kind of nervous with sudden movements or loud noise, but he even played with a pipe cleaner earlier (don't ask me why, but cats go nuts over them) and he's been eating really well. I'm hoping he'll bond with the bf so Nova doesn't get jealous.

FINALLY! New pictures!

photo credit: HC Studio

After two months and a LOT of persistence, I finally got some of my photos from the last shoot I did back in September. I tried very hard not to get nasty with the photographer over how long it took to get the pics, but patience is in limited supply and I did the best I could. That was the shoot where I actually paid the photographer for his time, and although I'm relatively satisfied with the photos, it's not something I'm likely to do again anytime soon just because of the aggravation involved and my relative poverty. If I'm not getting paid or trading TFP, the money is better spent elsewhere. I can't say too much though, because I did have a lot of fun on that shoot.

So the week of Thanksgiving I'm going up to St. Louis with the bf to meet his family. Honestly, not exactly looking forward to it. I had a pretty lengthy conversation with his stepmom over the phone, so I already can tell she likes me. We probably won't be able to have sex the whole time we're up there though. I mean, we'll have a room to ourselves and all, but it's right next to his little brother's room. That and I kind of feel like it'd be disrespectful to his parents. Just a thought. I'm still nervous to meet all his family. He insists they're all going to think I'm the bee's knees, but considering where he and I met and the fact that I'm still married, I think he's really overestimating their opinion of me. Anyway, that's all for now.

Strip clubs are fun

Halloween night the bf and I went out to the new strip club in town. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about Clayton staring at naked girls, but I definitely was staring at them too. I got a few singles and definitely had two strippers pull them out of my cleavage with their teeth. :D Okay, so a little while ago I decided after a few years and some experience with women that I wasn't really bisexual like I thought I was. Now I'm confused 'cause I was definitely very turned on when one of the strippers was groping me and had her boobs in my face. I guess what it is is that the women I fooled around with just weren't my type, but I still definitely have a preference for men. I hate to say it, but the three women I was with were all on the larger side and I wasn't that attracted to them, and it's really hard to have a good experience when you're not really into it. But now I feel kind of silly because I have a crush on a stripper. :) I know it's their business to act the way they do, but she did a really good job of getting into my head and now I've totally got to go back at some point. *sigh* Oh, my exhibitionist nature might lead me somewhere interesting here soon... we'll see how that plays out.

Again and again and again

So I have my bazillionth interview tomorrow. Honestly, it wouldn't be my dream job, but a job's a job after nearly six months of unemployment. I don't know why my interviews haven't turned out better to this point. I work really hard and efficiently, I'm smart, I learn quickly, I'm friendly and outgoing... what's not to like? I have to admit though, my inability to get a job really gets to me sometimes. I take it more personally than I probably should. I start thinking there's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes people not want to hire me, like I'm worthless and don't deserve a job. I've got a bit of a decision to make though. Is it worth working only part time so I can keep my disability and Medicare, which is honestly pretty worthless, or should I be looking for a full time job with benefits? I guess it remains to be seen whether or not I am actually capable of full time work, but I think given the right situation I might be able to handle it. The reason that whole scenario comes to mind is that I think part of the reason I haven't found a job to this point is my unwillingness to work full time because of the necessity of keeping Medicare. But honestly, the idea of depending solely on Medicare when I get divorced and lose my husband's insurance terrifies me a little. My health is a little iffy *major understatement* and is Medicare really going to cover me well enough that I don't end up in the poor house? For example, Medicare will not cover a colonoscopy for me because I'm under 50, even though with my history it's definitely medically necessary. They only cover an annual gyno visit once every two years (aren't they called annual for a reason?), and a lot of specialists won't even accept Medicare patients under 65. And as far as disability goes, the government somehow expects me to live on less than $700 a month. I guess they don't expect me to be living on my own, because you're hard pressed to even find a hole-in-the-wall apartment for less than $450 around here. Okay, so let's assume I found a crappy little $450 apartment. That leaves me about $225 to live on. Then you take out $60-$80 a month for electricity, so that brings us down to about $150 a month. Then there's gas for my car, which runs about $75 a month just driving the bare minimum to go to my doctors and such, so that's $75 left for food AND my medical bills AND the costs that randomly creep up. That doesn't even account for paying for cable, internet, or paying my credit card bill. Even if I got food stamps, how the hell am I supposed to live on $674 a month, honestly? I either have to live with my parents, which they can't afford right now, or I have to live with someone who doesn't mind sharing costs with me (thankfully that'd be the bf right now). It's like they fucking want me to be homeless and not to get the medical treatment I desperately need. How is that fucking fair? And they say, oh, you can work as long as it's less than this number of hours and less than $980 a month, but if you work at all they try to come up with some reason to take your disability away or make you repay $10,090 in 30 days (like they did to me recently... still fighting that one) when they know your assets are less than $2,000 to begin with. SSDI and Medicare are so fucking worthless that it's almost better to risk my health working than to stay on them. *sigh* Not that I have much of an option now since I obviously am not having the most luck finding a job. Hopefully that will change.

Life lately

a hat I knitted for the bf's niece

So what have I been doing lately? A whole lot of knitting. I've had one interview, but that's about it. Well, I went through a rough time last weekend over the surgery. I was really upset because I was poorly medicated (that never helps) and was crying my eyes out over the fact that I'll never have children. I don't freaking want kids and I was a mess over it anyway. And then night before last I was a mess because I looked at my wedding pictures. It's hard not getting upset by it... it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and it was all a waste. It was the major event leading to the most painful and miserable time of my life. Anyway, whatever. I am very happy with where I am in my life now (except the unemployment). I am deeply in love, and it fills my heart with more joy than I've known in many many years. I'm terrified of meeting the bf's family though. We're going up to St. Louis around Thanksgiving, and I'm not really worried about how most of his family will like me. Just his mom (who's actually his stepmom). She sounds like she won't like me one bit. Especially after he tells her how we met (nope, they don't know about that yet...). I foresee a few whispered conversations about how wrong I am for him. *Sigh*

Surgery isn't my favorite thing in the world

So I got my tubes tied this morning. I'm officially sterile. I'm glad I did it. I mean, not jumping out of my chair glad, but it was necessary. The decision was almost solely based on the problems my illness poses. Number one: I'd have to go off my meds to carry a child, which would put us both in danger. Number two: I am terrible at handling stress, and children don't come in low-stress varieties. Number three: being on disability, it's horribly unlikely that I'd ever be able to financially support a child. Number four: being mentally ill, I couldn't put a child's needs before my health. And I guess it should be mentioned that I'm not even that fond of children. In a way it's a little sad, but it needed to be done and I'm glad they finally let me do it. My dad and the bf were there with me this morning, and it meant a lot having their support. All my friends and family have been really supportive about the whole thing, and I love them for that more than they know. Now I've just gotta chill out and heal. Luckily I'm really only going to have one small scar because they did the procedure laproscopically and only made one incision in my lower abdomen and went in through my belly button above it. The medicine they've given me for the pain seems to be working well, so I'm in pretty good spirits.

Honest to God

As much as I complain sometimes, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. So much has gone completely awry the last few months, but in the end, I'm happier and more in love than I've possibly ever been. I realize how irrational it is to jump back into a relationship less than eight weeks after leaving my husband and to even THINK about marriage after only two months together. I have honestly never felt the way I feel about the bf before in my life. Even with my ex boyfriend, the one I was with for four years, it wasn't a matter of falling in love so immediately. I feel like the bf and I have known each other forever after only 3 months (yep, tomorrow's the anniversary). I feel like I don't have to hide anything from him, that I can be myself for the first time ever. I'm not afraid of being in love now, not so cynical as you'd expect considering the situation when I left my husband. And above all, I've never been with anyone who understands me as well as he does and treats me as well as he does. *sigh*

I NEED A JOB!!!

Not having one is getting pretty effing lame. I know for a fact that I've been more than qualified for most of the jobs I've applied for, and still nothing. I think what it is is that I can only work part time. People don't want to hire part timers right now. But even the jobs I've applied for that were specifically part time haven't been calling me back. Yeah, I've had a couple interviews. I know for a fact I was passed over for a job at a convenience store in favor of a couple of complete idiots (according to the assistant manager) because I couldn't work full time. I work really hard and do great at nearly every job I get, and yet I've been unsuccessful at finding a job for nearly five months. That's fucking ridiculous.

This is the part...

where I swear off drinking for the rest of eternity. I only had three drinks, but I got so sick... and was having auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations all night. Not cool. Alcohol never used to do that to me... wonder what's with that new development.

Okay, now I'm stuck with him

So tonight was a first for me. I had my first orgasm during sex. EVER. That was pretty cool. But now I HAVE to marry the bf. There's a new sense of urgency. :) Good thing I'm already in love. I've obviously been drinking, as that's not something I'd typically share in a public place such as my blog. And yes I know my enlarged liver alone should be enough to keep me from drinking, but poor choices are my nature. Whatever. I'm happy. :D We'll see if I'm still smiley in the morning.

Back to the drawing board

Well, my ultrasound indicated pretty much nothing. But if nothing's wrong, why am I in so much pain? That's the question I keep asking. I'm having one more test done on Monday to see if my gallbladder's functioning properly. If not, that thing's getting yanked out with a quickness. But it doesn't appear to be cancer at the very least. That's definitely good. Although I think that worrying about it made me realize my life, with all its ups and downs, has been pretty good, and had I died, I would only have done so with one major regret, and no, that wasn't marrying my husband. As tough as it was and as horrible for my self esteem as it was, some good ultimately came out of it and I learned a lot about myself, so no, it wouldn't be my only regret. A major waste of time, most definitely, but I don't regret it.

Oh, I bought a lotto ticket today. The Powerball's at 150 million for the drawing on Saturday, so I scraped together some spare change and got a ticket. I usually only do the quick pick, but this time I thought long and hard and picked numbers that meant something to me. Not that gives me any greater chance of winning, but I like to think it does. :) I generally know what I'd do with the money. Number 1 would be splitting it 50/50 with the bf. Number 2 would be giving my parents and sister a couple million off the top. Number 3 would be expediting my divorce. Anyway, gotta run.

Sleep... it ain't happening

Between the pain, the insomnia, and the nightmares when I actually can sleep, it's just not fucking happening. I'm actually kind of getting used to the pain, although it's increasing daily. Does make it rather difficult to relax though. Insomnia's getting the best of me. I don't know if it's from worrying excessively or something else, but it's taking me forever to fall asleep, and when I do, I don't stay asleep. I slept maybe two and a half hours and I'm very nearly wide awake. And the last couple times I've slept (including an hour long nap earlier yesterday) I've had these really weird-ass nightmares. So right now I really don't feel like sleeping. It's probably a result of stress. But really, the last thing I need right now is to be sleep deprived. I'll never get better if I don't sleep.

Bitch, was that REALLY necessary?

The ultrasonographer at the hospital today was being a bitch. I know it's her job to get the best possible images, but she was being fucking brutal. First of all, I'm a fucking smoker. It's a bit of a stretch to ask me to repeatedly hold my breath for 30 seconds or more at a time. And she kept going over the same spot OVER AND OVER AND OVER... and of course it was the spot that fucking hurt the worst. That sort of makes me worry that she saw something there. Ah well, I'll get their radiologist to look at it and wait for my results like a good little patient, but if they try to blow it off and tell me nothing's wrong, I'm sending the films to my uncle (who happens to be chief of the radiology department of his hospital) for a second opinion. I'm trying my best to only be appropriately concerned and not more than that, but it's a challenge at times 'cause I hurt so bad and I feel like absolute crap.

It's setting in

The ambivalence. On the one hand, I'm afraid. On the other, I'm apathetic. Okay, worst case scenario: I have metastatic liver cancer that spread from my colon, which I already know is poised to go to hell on me at any moment. In such case, it would almost certainly be terminal. So that's scary, but at the same time, there's a definite numbness to it. So freaking what? I've been suicidal for about 13 years. But I'm not ready to die right this moment... I'm pretty terrified about dying actually. I have things to look forward to, things I absolutely want to do with my life. I wouldn't be able to marry the bf 'cause I'd have to stay married to my husband to keep my insurance. I wouldn't get to see Europe again. I would never get to see the nieces and nephews I'd have from my sister. I'd never finish my bachelor's degree. I don't want to go out with so much left undone. *sigh* I'm not going to freaking die. More than likely it's something highly treatable or curable, so any bit of worry is pretty silly. But I'm both a hypochondriac and a pessimist, so it's a little hard to stay upbeat about the whole thing.

Bleh

The pain is rather annoying, yes?

Some (possibly) scary shit going down

Well, it started out a week ago. I was having some tenderness in my belly last Sunday, went to the ER and junk just to make sure it wasn't my appendix. It wasn't. But then the pain was still there Wednesday, so I went to Doctor's Care. They took some blood, did a pelvic exam and all that, still no results. So I went to my OB/GYN Friday (just my annual), and she said it was nothing to do with anything in her specialty. Still tender, but nothing I was immediately worried about. But yesterday afternoon I started having shooting pain all over my abdomen. Went to the ER again, and they did a CT scan and some blood work and all that. My liver enzymes are high and my liver's enlarged. This could mean many different things, I discovered... anything from problems with my gallbladder to hepatitis to metastatic cancer. That's not fucking scary at all. I know sarcasm doesn't come across well over the Internet, but I hope it was clear how sarcastic I was being just now. I'm pretty freaking terrified. Add to that the fact I've lost over ten pounds in the last month and I've lost my appetite for the most part... yeah. I'm doing a pretty good job of not freaking out about it. I could be in bed, crying my eyes out, thinking the worst, but I'm not. I'm actually sort of relieved that they found something this time. It's always easier knowing you're close to putting a name on something, that you have a short list of what could be wrong, rather than just being sick and not having any clue why. I have to go back and get an ultrasound tomorrow, and they'll have the results of that by Wednesday. But no matter what it is, the second I find out I can start getting treated and be on my way to feeling better. Well, on the off chance it's cancer, I can start fighting it and try to make peace with the fact that I could very well die, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I'm strangely calm about the whole thing, but that's okay. Like the doctor said, it could be something as simple as needing my gallbladder removed, which, although it requires surgery, really wouldn't be all that bad. It's a pretty routine procedure and wouldn't horribly affect my quality of life.

On another note, my future ex husband might be moving away to NYC in the near future. Although it would be sort of a relief to know I won't ever see him again, it's not something I'm insanely happy about either. He and I have sort of made peace lately, as much as possible anyway. I don't harbor the ill will towards him that I once did, but at the same time, I am very satisfied with my life as it is now (aside from being broke) and there's no way in hell I'd want him back. But there's really no point wasting time and energy on being angry at him. He's got problems and will more than likely have a pretty miserable love life from here on out. I feel sorry for him. Never enough to want to take him back, but sorry enough that I can't really be too mad at him anymore. I hurt a lot for a long time, but that's over and I'm happy now, and if it weren't for him pushing me into the dark place he did, I may never have met my current boyfriend. I think everything happens for a reason. Anyway, that's all for now.

Gullibility is my downfall

So I found an ad on Craigslist looking for models for a clothing line. I thought, hey, this is a long shot, but it never hurts to try, right? I actually got a response. I was SOOOOO excited. The guy seemed legit, so when I went over and did my test shoot, I was even more excited. Then reality hit me. He offered me all these wonderful things, like a guaranteed spot with the clothing line, professional photo shoots, free clothes, royalties from merchandise, etc... if I spent the night with him. That was a big smack in the face. Here I am, this naive girl with big dreams, just trying to make my way in the world. I really didn't think people actually did that. I guess naive = gullible sometimes. I'm sure I'm much better off not having found out if the offer was genuine. But whether or not it was, it wasn't worth throwing away my relationship or self respect. *Sigh* Why do people have to be like that?

Worst. Hangover. Ever.

Yeah, so I had a really rotten hangover yesterday. It wasn't so much the nausea or the headache... that went away pretty quickly. I just felt like I was dying, and I was horribly crabby and emotional and pretty paranoid. I didn't drink all that much, but I couldn't take my medicine that night and I think it washed out of my system really quickly and I had a really bad reaction from it. I probably should've taken the bf to the hospital 'cause I'm pretty sure he had alcohol poisoning, but I was in no shape to drive and he's not as well covered by health insurance as I am. In any case, we've resolved to stop drinking for a while, especially considering we both made huge asses of ourselves. Never good. I'm feeling a hell of a lot better today. The person I'm unfortunately still married to is shaking me down for money I don't have, and that's pretty frustrating. Luckily the bf starts his job tomorrow so I more than likely won't have to spend my entire disability check on rent next month. My former job totally fucked me over yet again as far as unemployment's concerned and now I can't get it till the middle of October and at a reduced amount. Sigh. The money situation's getting pretty desperate, and I'm considering some rather drastic measures to remedy it. Hopefully it won't come to that.

In love

I hate to say it because things have moved so quickly, but I really am in love with the bf. Everything about our relationship just makes fireworks go off in my heart. The sad part about it is that I never felt this way about my husband. It's hard to describe exactly what that was... I guess it was a comfort thing more than anything else. But now I feel like I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life. The weirdest thing about it was that, after leaving my husband, I really thought I'd never want to get married again, or that I'd never trust a man enough to get into another serious relationship. Lo and behold, less than two months after leaving him, someone I never expected to fall in love with walks into my life in the most unlikely of circumstances, and all of a sudden I have eyes for no one but him. It's really terrifying how quickly I've fallen in love with him, but as I said, I've never been so sure of anything. And the idea of getting married again makes me immensely happy. I'm done with the mushy stuff now. :P

Oh, by the way

I had a really promising job interview and the bf got a job yesterday! YAY!!!

Fun shoot yesterday

I had a really fun shoot yesterday. I worked with a photographer visiting from Seattle, and we shot at Magnolia Plantation, which is easily one of my favorite places in town. I got to climb trees and crawl through bushes and go places that had "do not enter" signs and get topless where there was a good possibility of getting caught, and it was all around a good time. I'm sure we got some really cool shots, and it kills me to have to wait a couple weeks till he gets the pictures back to me. Ah well. I had fun, and really that's what modeling is to me. At this point it's more a hobby than anything else. Hopefully it'll eventually be more than that, but only time will tell. As I get more experienced and build my portfolio more, perhaps more paying jobs will come my way. As far as other stuff goes, I'm BROKE, but I still managed to pick up the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. I never read it before leaving my husband, but I swear it's got so much information... absolutely fascinating! I'm an addict. I might as well save some money and get a subscription or something.

Impulsivity gets me in trouble, but it's a hell of a ride.

I'm not the most romantic person in the world. I have my moments, but generally my timing is totally and completely wrong. I proposed to the bf while shit-faced drunk. We've only been dating a little over two months, and I'm not divorced yet, and did I mention I was fucking hammered? But he said yes. He actually said yes. I expected to feel horribly, horribly stupid for letting those words slip out of my mouth (and admittedly I was REALLY embarrassed), but honestly I haven't been so happy in a very long time. Our relationship has moved at breakneck speed... it's really more of the same. I have no idea why I'm so freaking sure of things, but all I know is that, after so little time, he understands me better than anyone ever has and I love him to death. I've already got the perfect dress picked out... assuming I can save up $2,300. *Sigh* I'm probably crazy. No, definitely crazy. But I'm so happy. :)

New picture!!!

photo credit: Gary Eaton

So I finally got around to doing another shoot after nearly a three month hiatus, and this is the first picture I got from it. I like it! I'm very excited to get more photos from the shoot. Hopefully I won't go so long between this time... money's really tight or I'd try to make a trip to Atlanta and try to get some more variety in my portfolio. The new tat is healing up nicely. I'll have to get a picture of it up here soon. I'm making stuffed chicken breasts tonight... swear to God, for baked chicken it has got to be one of the fattiest things I've ever come up with. :) Ah well. I've barely eaten today and I need to take my meds with at least 500 calories, so... yeah. Got an interview tomorrow! Fingers crossed!

Sort of a busy day today

Woke up WAY too early today... nuts. But I suppose I'm a little excited and nervous. I have my first photo shoot in more than two months this afternoon, and I'm worried it won't go well. I've worked with the photographer before so I know I'm not going to be uncomfortable or anything, but my life has been an utter train wreck lately and guess that's the only reason I'm nervous... seems like nothing could go right for me. And to be honest, I put on some weight since my last shoot. It's starting to come off since my meds were changed, but it's still extremely frustrating and damaging to my self esteem. Plus I have the new tattoo, and I'm not sure how that'll affect my modeling prospects. I just recently got the pictures from my last shoot and have been getting a lot of great feedback from them, which is definitely a boost to my ego. I suppose maybe I'm worried about getting too egotistical. Nah, never. :) I keep myself in check. After all, aside from a fabulous rack, I'm really rather average looking and kinda heavy. I just happen to be mildly photogenic.

Hm

I thought I had more to say than I actually do. I suppose things aren't too bad today. I'm happy and I'm well fed, and that's the important thing.

Things looking up? Maybe?

Okay, so things seem to be getting a little better. I interviewed for a job yesterday, and I just might get it. My new medicine seems to be killing my appetite a little, and I'm already starting to lose weight. The bf and I tried out for a movie Sunday and we should at least get roles as extras as there weren't that many people at the audition. I have nearly a full tank of gas and food in my belly, and all in all things don't seem so bad. AND I finally got my pictures from my last modeling gig, and they're GREAT!

food (stamps) for thought

If you're legally disabled, unemployed, and have absolutely NO money, why do they have to take for effing ever to process your food stamps claim? Okay, so I don't have my apartment anymore. It's not like I have NO freaking bills. I have to eat. I have to go to the doctor periodically. I have to buy medicine. I need to freaking pay for my health insurance. I'm living well below the poverty line. But could they go ahead and approve me? NOOOOOOOOO. Of course not. So I'm basically stuck eating buttered noodles for the next however many days. Hooray for that. :(

I need a new adjective

"Livid" doesn't really cover it lately. Today's bitching is on the subject of my unemployment insurance claim. So I waited for four (count 'em, FOUR!) hours at the unemployment office to find out that the restaurant by whom I was last employed had informed the unemployment office that I had quit my job. As you may well know, you can't get unemployment if you quit your job. I was so definitely fired from that job it's not funny. So there's something fishy going on there and they've fucked me big time by screwing me out of three fucking months worth of unemployment checks. GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

So effin livid

So my neighbor, who I got more involved with than I should have, is trying to bully the leasing office into not letting my bf move in because I met him in the hospital. That is not his fucking place to tell ANYONE anything of that nature. So he and I will be having a little chat here shortly.

Got my Nova back!!!

I love her I love her I LOVE MY CAT!!!

...and stupidity for all.

So I'm really, really stupid. I'm officially on YouTube doing something very, very stupid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Pexb-tqz6A
Yes, that is me doing an infomercial for bondage tape. But the thumbs up at the end is pretty effing funny. Getting a lot more views than I expected...

Broke sucks

I'm so effing tired of being unemployed, I swear. The upside is that I seem to have gotten on the right track with getting my novel off the ground. The craigslist ad really helped out, and I think I've found someone I can collaborate with. I've really gotta get focused and write some outlines. I think having someone on the outside will help the process of fictionalizing the story since someone else wouldn't know the details the way I do. I wish I could do it on my own, but the severe and utter lack of focus just doesn't make that work out too well. Maybe one day I'll be able to write on my own. If I ever do get to take that trip to Europe to clear my head, I'll try to write as I go along rather than trying to recall everything when I get back.

I'm a bitch, but what's new?

I ran into one of my future ex husband's coworkers yesterday when I was out with the bf, one of the ones that had come to the wedding. So apparently it's not common knowledge around his place of business that I left him. I may or may not have spilled the beans about WHY I left him as well. I admit to nothing! Ah well. It would've looked a little strange for me to be out with my boyfriend when I'm supposedly happily married. Gotta tell it like it is sometimes. Anyway. The bf and I got into a half-fight last night over something slightly stupid. He felt like a jackass, which wasn't my intention. I just wanted to get something off my chest and I wasn't as gentle as I could've been about it. I'm a bitch. I'm an asshole. I own up to it. But at least we seemingly came to an understanding.

Grah!

So I've been really, really, really angry lately. My meds don't seem to be working like they should (or at all, really) and I'm intermittently going out of my mother fucking mind. Shopping the idea of the novel in my head around to some area writers to see if someone's willing to collaborate. Having a LOT of money trouble. Had to do something I'm not particularly proud of today, but paying my bills is a lot more important to me than having to swallow my pride. My crush on Finland's hottest export is only deepening... it's nearly unhealthy. But at least Robert Pattinson has some competition now. :) I really can't think about much else to write except that it's Dad's birthday and the bf has been invited out to dinner with the family. Wonder if he'll accept. He's a little intimidated by my dad... possibly because Dad threatened to come after him with a baseball bat (jokingly of course, but my dad's a big man).

It's a Pantera day

Just listening to a little Pantera this morning... gotta love it. Had kinda a bad day yesterday. Well, the boyfriend had a really bad day, and I'm very worried about him. They totally have him medicated wrong. That's obviously not a professional opinion, but in my experience, I can tell when someone is getting like I was when I wasn't properly medicated. *Sigh* I have to take a brief break to talk about my new crush. Ville Valo is freaking hot as hell. I don't care if he wears makeup and is a skinny little Finnish man, I'm infatuated. :) And I don't care if no one knows who he is. The bf thinks my crush is cute. He's a lot more secure in his self esteem than I am. Every time he says a celebrity is hot my heart falls a little bit. I need to work on that. Why should it matter? He never calls them beautiful, but he tells me I'm beautiful. That's one word my husband never called me. It was always "pretty" or "cute" or "adorable," but never "beautiful." Not even on our wedding day. Oh, so I e-mailed the ex boyfriend yesterday. I call him "the" ex-boyfriend 'cause he's really the only one who matters... I was with him for nearly four years. Anyway, I looked him up on Facebook and found out he and his wife are having a baby. I am honestly happy for him... I know he wanted a bunch of kids. Anyway, I sent him a message congratulating him for the marriage and baby. He sent a message back thanking me and saying that he hopes all is well with me. I had to laugh... he has no idea the mess my life is right now. Current relationship excluded, my life is a fucking trainwreck. Ah well.

Vile does not begin to describe it...

So I went over to my future ex husband's place today to see my cat whom he's had since I went back in the hospital. When I walked in the door, I was confronted by womens' clothes, lingerie, and luggage in the living room. Okay, whatever. Hurtful considering he knows I come over to see my cat, but whatever. So I didn't find my cat right away, so I go looking around the apartment for her. Bad idea. Find a used condom sitting on top of the dresser. MY dresser, for that matter. Thank God I didn't really want it. But still, that's really disgusting and even more hurtful. I have not once thrown my exploits in his face. He doesn't even know I have a boyfriend now, to my knowledge. And he wonders why I asked to visit my cat when he's not there... fucking disgusting asshole. But I got my revenge. Well, technically I got my revenge in advance because it was before I got over to his place, but let's just say a few items he gave me ended up in a pawn shop. We'll not say which ones. Point is, every bit of contact I have with him (directly or otherwise) makes me want to purge him from my life that much more. I have an idea of who he's got staying with him too. Nightmares, you know.

Exciting stuff

So we're going to visit Grandma in Kentucky here in a week or two. That oughta be... interesting to say the least. See, my family in Kentucky are pretty religious and they're also pretty conservative, and I don't know if they know I'm getting divorced. Or if they do know, I don't know if they approve or not. I mean, my situation was pretty bad... he was openly cheating on me. I think that's a damn good reason to divorce someone, don't you? *Sigh* Should I even really worry about it? I'm already the black sheep of the family. My sister insists she is, but I'm pretty sure it's me. I'm the crazy one, the one with all the tattoos (wonder if they know about that...), the one who can't for the life of me finish college, the one getting a divorce after less than a year of marriage... yeah, I think I win. Gotta keep the bf on the DL though. Even if they think I'm justified in getting my divorce, I doubt they'd appreciate me dating so soon after leaving my husband. It's going to be a gigantic clusterfuck. That's all I have to say about it. But I'm still going to go 'cause I haven't seen my family in a very long time, and it's worth a little telling off to go up there and see them. Anyway, I'm supposed to go with the bf to visit his family in Missouri eventually, so it's really not fair to visit his family and not mine.

Yum

Went to Carolina's last night for dinner. It was fan-freaking-tastic! It was so rich, but sooooooooo good. Had the crab cake app, goat cheese salad, the flat iron steak, and creme brulee... holy fucking shit was that good. And I had a glass of Cote du Rhone (correct my French if I've misspelled please) wine, which was... interesting is the best way to put it. It was a really spicy wine, but it brought out the flavor of the steak so well. And we bought Clayton some nice clothes that look absolutely dashing on him. :) Anyway, that's all for now. Gonna go grab some lunch. :P

Blogging about tweeting about blogging about... you get the idea.

I joined Twitter today. Yeah, it is kinda weird linking my Twitter account to my blog just so I can blog about tweeting about blogging... Kind of round about, eh? It's not so much about jumping on the bandwagon. Well, that's part of it. It's more a curiosity though... who on earth would be interested in the asinine detailes of my life? I get a kick out of tweeting. I say the most random shit, but you don't have enough words to get off task. :P Ah well. Not a whole lot else going on today. I'm expanding my musical horizons a little bit beyond my usual Slipknot and Seether. Getting into some foreign stuff and goth rock. I still maintain (much to the bf's faked chagrin) that the cello is the sexiest musical instrument a guy can play. Followed by guitar, of course, but there's something about a good cellist that leaves me completely breathless. Probably why I dig Apocalyptica so much... by the way, their version of "Seeman" (also a Rammstein song) with Nina Hagen is pretty fucking awesome in an odd way. I'm just in love with the German language... it sounds really harsh, but being constantly angry, that's right up my alley.

My freaking awesome tattoo!!!

WICKED AWESOME!!! Yeah, so I said it was going to be a phoenix escaping a cage, but that just wasn't going to work without being freaking huge. So I got a phoenix surrounded by a stained glass frame instead. As you can probably see, the stained glass isn't done yet. I put in six hours in the chair yesterday and was in a lot of pain and really hungry, so I have to go back and get it finished in a few weeks. But I LOVE IT!!! Dave at Lucky 7's Tattoo is awesome!

How do you trust something so insane?

I'm not used to this shit. So I've been spending a lot of time with the new bf lately. It's all very confusing. First of all, there's his age. He's five years younger than me. When you're 25, five years feels like a lifetime. Then there's the little fact that I met him in the hospital. Then there's the fact that I've known him for less than a month, and a majority of the time we spent together was in the hospital. So WHY am I so nuts over him? I mean, it's pretty normal for me to fall for someone quickly when I get a good vibe from them, but in this case the flurry of emotions is really confusing and even slightly scary. The whole story of how we ended up being an item in the first place is pretty nuts. That's another story for another time. *Sigh* Some of it is the stark contrast between him and the last two major relationships I've had. Case in point, my husband never told me I was beautiful. He always used the words "cute" or "adorable" or on a good day "pretty", but never "beautiful". Beautiful just has an entirely different connotation, a sort of reverence, you know? And the bf has already called me beautiful. In a way it reminds me of my relationship with my ex, except without all the fighting and crying, and that's really what spoiled that one. He's more like my husband in temperment and more like my ex in affection. It's a pretty nice balance. But he's so young! He's not even almost 21. He JUST turned 20. Uhg. I didn't want to get involved with someone so soon after leaving my husband, much less did I expect to actually develop feelings for someone after my heart had been so completely and utterly torn to shreds. But life never happens the way you expect it to, does it?

Crazy things happen in the psych hospital

And I'm not talking about people thowing chairs or anything like that. Been there, seen that. That probably would've been preferable actually. I got too close to another patient. A guy much too young for me, nonetheless. I couldn't help it... he's such a sweetheart. But I feel absolutely retarded for breaking the cardinal rule of being in the hospital. You DO NOT get involved with another patient. You just don't. They've got just as many problems as you or they wouldn't be in there. But... yeah. I broke the rule. Not sure how it's gonna pan out.

I love body art

Ah... tattoos. They can be so ugly or so beautiful, but in most cases (unless you're just made of money and really fucked up) very very permanent. I put a deposit down on a new tattoo this afternoon. The artist is taking some time to study my reference images and create a custom piece for me, so I'm not actually getting it done till probably Wednesday. I'm going back to the same studio that did my last tattoo (still gotta get that shit fixed...), and although it won't be the same artist doing my tattoo this time as last time, I've seen some of his work and am confident he'll do a good job. I'm soooo excited. I love tattoos. I want like, a billion of them.

So what's my new tattoo going to be? Well, I'm getting it on my left shoulder, and it's going to be a phoenix escaping a wrought iron cage. The way I feel about it, a tattoo should mean something to you. My first one was a butterfly out of a book... I was 20 and stupid. It means nothing to me... it's just there. I don't dislike it or regret it, but I don't have too many feelings one way or another about it. The second meant something to me. I got two red roses (my theme flower from the wedding) with a gold band around the stem of each. I wanted to show the world my commitment to my marriage without getting his name or anything. I'm not saying it was a bad idea, but it means something different to me now that my marriage is down the toilet. When I get it fixed, the wedding bands will be bands of fire. Fire symbolizes something ephemeral to me... something that, without being constantly fed and nurtured, will burn out into nothing. How appropriate for my marriage.

The new tattoo will have a totally different meaning to me. A phoenix bursts into flame to be reborn. I am constantly being reborn, finding new meaning and new purpose. As for the cage, I want a reminder that I'm not trapped in any situation. I have the power to break free. No one can cage me (Aha! No more relationship tattoos!) or hold me back. I was REALLY hoping to get that tattoo today, but I'm more than happy to give the artist time to make a really cool design so it'll be something I actually want to permanently display on my body. SO EXCITED!

A recurring case of stupidity

So I just got back from the hospital... again. I was out for five days and then went to the ER and then back into the hospital. Tons o' fun. But my outlook is a lot better this time around and I seem to have my shit figured out. Unfortunately, my latest round of stupidity means I am no longer living in my cute little apartment. I'm living with my parents, and temporarily without my cat. The latter of those two things bothers me infinitely more, although I dislike the loss of freedom. My cat is the most wonderful little creature and I miss her terribly! Sigh. So the second recent attempt on my life is not the end to my stupidity, merely the very beginning, but I have nothing more to say on that matter. I had an epiphany in the hospital. I want to backpack across Europe next summer. A lofty goal, but I think living with my parents I could possibly be able to pay off my credit card AND save up the necessary funds. I already have a couple friends wanting to go with me, and I just think it would be the best time. Among my other goals are finding a steady job, finishing my degree, and starting to take exercise classes (with a buddy so I won't be so likely to quit). Noble, yes?

Yeah, so

You know, I'm tired of putting my foot in my mouth. I really don't mean it to happen like that, but I always seem to end up saying something stupid and end up regretting it like, five seconds later. Furthermore, I need to learn to be a lot less selfish. I find it hard sometimes to realize that I'm not the center of the universe. I get so wrapped up in myself that I don't realize other people have stuff going on in their lives too. Bleh. As nice as I can be, I sure can be a real asshole. Ah well. All I can do is acknowledge that I have a problem with that and then try to work on it. That's what I'm going to do.

What a week

Well, I spent most of the last week in the hospital, from Friday night till yesterday afternoon. Got my medication straightened out and did a lot of thinking about the direction of my life, and I definitely benefited from both. I feel a gazillion times better, thank goodness.

So... my personal life has gotten really absurdly complicated. I made some very incorrect assumptions about somebody and have probably ended up hurting someone else because of that. I feel like an asshole. I don't really get men. No, that's an understatement. For a sex that seems really easy to understand, they can be so fucking complex and their thoughts so elusive. It drives me mad, I swear to it.

My proverbial dander is up

Okay, I try not to talk about politics or political scandal because... well, generally it doesn't interest me too much. But being a lifetime resident of the state of South Carolina, I'm feeling the urge to exercise my first amendment rights on the topic of our recent political embarrassment, and as a woman, I would like to express my disgust and outrage on a more personal level.

How should I put this? *ahem* MARK SANFORD YOU LYING, CHEATING, DESPICABLE PIECE OF SHIT... but that's not very original, is it? I might need a second to rethink my statement.

Well, as I said, as a lifetime resident of the great Palmetto State, you kind of learn to be the butt of the country's joke every now and then. What with our failing education systems and high rates of teen pregnancy and syphilis, we're not exactly considered among the elite of the nation. And let's not forget Miss Teen South Carolina "some people don't have maps" bimbo bitch that made our state collectively cringe for the next month as the clip made its rounds on YouTube (and thank you Carrie Prejean for erasing that memory with your bigotry and grossly fake tits; you are my hero *rolls eyes*). Don't get me wrong. I live in the most beautiful city in a beautiful, wonderful state, but even I'm a little sensitive to the national flak we get sometimes.

I'm trying to approach the subject delicately because I don't want to belittle the point I intend to make with silly name-calling and finger-pointing. I have never been a Republican, I WILL never be a Republican, and I never voted for our dear Governor Sanford. That said, I still had a moderate amount of respect for the man. In fact, I've actually met him. Granted it was... oh, 13 years ago or so back when he was just in Congress and I was in DC on a school trip. But I was impressed with him when I met him and I felt at least a little satisfaction in him getting elected governor, if it had to be a Republican. And yeah, the whole bullshit about attempting to deny the state much needed stimulus money... that was pretty embarrassing when it hit national news, but he was standing up for something he believed in, and you can't really knock somebody too much for doing that.

And then this shit comes out about him going to Argentina on some very expensive booty call, and I can't help but take it more than personally. As a woman whose husband cheated very recently, I take great personal offense on the behalf of his wife and every woman who has been or will be betrayed by a man she loves, trusts, and in whom she invests her life. Mark Sanford, not only have you shamed your family, you have shamed your whole fucking STATE. And being the Democrat I am, I could care less how much you've shamed your party as well. But it takes a real shady mother fucker to lie to everyone and ditch your FOUR KIDS ON FUCKING FATHER'S DAY to go get some ass in South America.

I've read all the articles. Read some of the published e-mails between them. I couldn't read them all... after a while the governor started turning into my husband in my head and it hurt to read. But I hope I'm not the only one who realizes that a woman scorned is a force to be reckoned with, and being in the majority of the population, I would really advise the governor to end his political career as soon as possible if he wants to avoid the fallout. His wife may be the patron saint of patience and forgiveness for all I know, but she is not nearly the only woman in his life that can make it hell. Governor Sanford, you have angered and disgusted a nation of scorned women. Prepare for the backlash.

I should put in this disclaimer that I mean that in no way as a threat to the governor. Like I said, there are plenty of women in his life that can make it hell for him... somehow I think whatever I could say to him personally will be said a hundred times over.

I'll be lucky if I'm not bald here shortly

So I got another haircut. Shorter, yes, by a good bit. But my last 'do was turning into a mullet by the day, and I can't have that, right? So I went a little modern this time, but it suits my glasses at the very least. AND I dyed my hair again... it's at least a uniform color now. That's all I ask for in life, that my hair all be the same color. I've gotten some decent reviews on the new haircut. I feel like every time I get it cut though it gets shorter and shorter and shorter. One of these days I'm just gonna shave it all off. :) That is very much a joke... as long as I stay on my medicine.

Pancakes and painkillers

Well, I went into work this morning really early. Maybe not THAT early, but I've been unemployed for seven weeks; 8 am is early for me. I seem to be doing alright... If anything I at least have a better memory than the person who was training me. Waiting tables is like riding a bike to me. Once I know where the hell to find everything and learn the menu, I shine. Okay, so I haven't learned the menu so well yet so shining isn't going to be an immediate thing, but I'm very distracted now.

I got a call from the hubs while I was at work. He needed help changing the dressings on his wounds. Like I said before, considering the reason for our split, we have a pretty amicable working relationship. And as I also said, he doesn't have much of anyone else. The girlfriend who's a nursing student was at work, so in a pinch I guess I'd do. I can tell he doesn't like asking me for help, but what am I going to do? Not help? *Sigh* I don't hate him enough for that. However, I obviously didn't know what I was getting myself into.

I should've known when he was taking the gauze off to take a shower (he was told to keep the wounds clean with soap and water) that it wasn't going to be a good situation. He was breathing heavily and muttering obscenities the entire time. So when he went to get in the shower, I excused myself for a smoke. There was nothing in that moment I could do to make his pain better, so I felt it better for myself not to listen to the pain he'd be in. One cigarette was not enough. I came back in and he was all but screaming, worse than I've ever heard from him times 1000. It was worse even in the ER when they were cleaning him up. Very, very upsetting. Mostly because I knew there was nothing I could do to make it better, being the future ex-wife and all. It's not really in my job description to hold and comfort and fawn over him. Of course I feel absolutely awful for him and, in a way, want to be there for him, and if he wasn't seeing his chick I probably would be over there a lot more. I'm just slightly comforted by the fact that he's got SOMEONE to care for him.

Anyway, I did, in fact, go into "Nurse Manda" mode once he was done taking God's name in vain and calling everything a MFer. I'm sure I didn't do nearly as good a job as his girlfriend could've done fixing him up, but I watched pretty carefully when they did him up in the ER and I'm pretty sure I covered all the basics. Ah well, if she doesn't like it, she can always fix it. He was at least appropriately grateful for my help. That's all I ask. I'm pretty sure he'd do the same for me. As I said before, I may not live with him anymore, but I didn't completely stop caring for him the second I moved out. I don't know if it's necessarily the best thing to be helping him, but there's something to be said for the golden rule.

Life gets complicated when you least expect it

So I got in a fight with my husband yesterday. Mostly I was feeling unusually bitter and upset, but I forget sometimes that this hurts him too. Anyway, I didn't feel too bad about voicing my opinions... till the accident. Someone made an illegal left hand turn in front of him at a light and he ended up on his side (not even sure if the bike rolled over him) and was pretty much literally ripped up from near his shoulder down. Thank God he was wearing his helmet, but he was still pretty effed up. Of course I was the one he called to come to the hospital with him; after all, we're technically still married and I both have his insurance card and have the authority to sign paperwork for him. And he doesn't really have anyone else. My parents kind of treat him like a pariah now, which is... not ideal. I don't hate him, I just don't want him as my husband. Anyway, he didn't break any bones, but the guy left the scene of the accident, and he didn't see the license plate of the car that did this to him and barely even saw the make of it, so it'll be hard to catch the guy. Sigh. Can't help feeling bad for him. This is where I would usually kick into "Nurse Manda" mode and do everything I could to take care of him. It was just brutal seeing him in so much pain while they were cleaning him up; I fought back tears as he tried not to scream. I did what I could though. I took him home, got his medicine for him and some ice packs... I would've done more if I hadn't had to rush to work (went well, btw). It just confuses things a little when he seems so helpless. Hard to stay mad at him, at the very least.

Yay!

I'm so excited about starting my new job today! I will not at all miss being unemployed. Having a free schedule was nice as far as the modeling thing was concerned, but the boredom that came along with 90% of my time definitely will not be missed. That and having to run up my credit card 'cause I'm broke as a joke... won't miss that either. I figure if I'm making $800 a month, which I think is well within my grasp, coupled with my disability money, I should be well taken care of when it comes to all my bills and money to live on. I should even be able to pay down my credit card pretty steadily. And the best part is that, in actuality, I really do love waiting tables. I love interacting with people and making them happy, even if it's only through being courteous and bringing them food. And the nice thing about Denny's is that they don't serve alcohol, and that takes a big load off my shoulders when it comes to training. And there are no pre-dinner salads or bread or chips and salsa or anything fancy like that... straightforward drinks, meal, drink refills, check. I like the prospect of that. No, I'm not going to make the kind of money I was making at Queen Anne's... I had times I was making $25/hr there. But I think the trade off for how much of a pain in the ass it was and having to drive to and from effing Daniel Island will be well worth it. YAY!

Recurring dreams can kiss my ass

I have a lot of recurring dreams, and they're all upsetting. Well, one is just a theme... about once a week I dream someone's trying to kill me in some horrible brutal way. Then there's the one when I'm back on the rowing team at Clemson. I imagine I dream about that so much because it was borderline-traumatic. I was no good at it and they never let me forget it. That and the whole permanent injury thing. *sigh* Then there's the one where I'm back working at Cisco's. I think that one stems from wishful thinking. I miss working there a lot, and I often dream that they didn't really close down. :( The last recurring dream I have is the worst though, the most hurtful. It bothers me even more than some maniac trying to kill me. It's the dream closest to reality... discovering my husband was cheating on me. It's always the same girl, the first one (who he SWEARS he never had sex with... whatever). Even after all this time, all I've been through since, I still have that dream once or twice a week. Not the exact same dream... different iterations of it. But I always wake up on the verge of tears feeling like my heart has been freshly broken. My doctor yesterday said I'm doing remarkably well for having gone through my separation, but how do you feel anything but relief when you leave someone who keeps breaking your heart over and over and over? I still have a lot of feelings for him, but they're not the same. They stopped being the same when he told me he loved me like a sister and wasn't at all attracted to me. I've lost 98% of my respect for him. I don't put him on a pedestal like I did with the ex before him. He doesn't deserve the love and adoration I had for him and he doesn't deserve to have someone around who took care of him the way I did. I can stay on friendly terms with him, and I want to, but he's not some high and mighty character in my opinion. He could have done a lot to make things right, and he didn't. I didn't give up on our marriage, he did. I gave up on being treated like a roommate instead of a wife. I gave up on having my self esteem constantly ripped to shreds. I gave up on being treated like I can't fucking take care of myself, that I need HIM of all people to take care of me. How the hell can you take care of someone when you hurt them so badly and have no remorse for it? *Sigh* I'm just bitching.

For as smart as I am, I sure am stupid...

hung waaaaaaaaaaaay over

Drinking is bad, m'kay? That's why I don't do it. No, I don't not do it because it's "bad", I don't do it because I get no social benefit out of being drunk 'cause I'm already personable and it makes me sick as a damn dog. SO THEN WHY DID I DO IT?! I was fine after the first Grand Ma, fine after the Royal Motherfucker, fine after the Firefly and lemonade... then Patron factors into the equation. Tequila and I have a hate-hate relationship... I hate the taste and it gets a kick out of making me miserable. But for some reason I had the urge to shoot straight tequila. That was really dumb. And then who would turn down a free shot? Thank God I had a designated driver, or I'd be crashing on the back porch of Juanita Greenberg's. Or more likely, in the bathroom of Juanita Greenberg's. But I haven't felt this terrible for non-medical reasons in a very, very long time. I blame the tequila, not myself for having consumed it. :P I didn't even get fun drunk. I was okay to stumbling drunk (and WHY did I wear heels? Oh right, 'cause drinking's stupid) to puking four times on the way back to my apartment, including in some poor guy's driveway downtown, in no time flat. Not my proudest moment. I seem to be having a severe lack of proud moments lately. Wonder why that is.

It's never fun when the rainbow goes brown...

*SIGH* This is officially the last picture of me with my purple hair. I loved it, but it's already gone back to something "natural", both grudgingly and gladly. Why gladly, if I loved it so much? BECAUSE I GOT A JOB!!! *celebrates* Okay, I'll admit, the job is neither fantastic nor glamorous. I'm going to be a waitress at Denny's. But who gives a fuck? Not me. I like the idea of being able to pay my rent, thank you very much. And it's actually a pretty nice place. But the first words out of the hiring manager's mouth when I sat down were, "The purple is gorgeous, but it's gotta go." Ah well. I got the job. I knew I'd give up my wild hair in a second to take a job. And now I have a job and dark brown hair with only the slightest hint of purple in the background.

Lord, have mercy!

So I hadn't felt right the last couple days, but last night when the pain was suddenly so bad I couldn't sleep, I finally went into the emergency room. The culprit? Tiny little kidney stones. FUCKING KIDNEY STONES!!! ARRRGH! And of course I was stupid enough to drive myself there last night when I knew they were going to give me something that'd make me drowsy, so mom drove me home. She's a great mom... who else would drive 30 minutes at 2:30 am just so their daughter wouldn't have to make a 3 minute drive home woozy? Luckily Wendy took me to get my car this morning so I didn't have to be a martyr and walk or impose on my mother any more to take me back to get it. The pain meds are wearing off and the pharmacies don't open for two more hours... uhg.

Busy day ahead

As the title says, I have a very busy day ahead of me... as busy as one can be when one is unemployed. As soon as nine o'clock rolls around, I'm headed up to Wal-Mart to see about getting some new glasses. Yes, I'm getting glasses rather than contacts. They last longer and I don't have to worry about losing one in the shower or the pool. And I really don't need glasses that badly that I have to wear them at all times. I actually see better at the computer without them, and when I'm in the comfort of my apartment I don't really wear them at all. Anyway, I've lost a contact while driving before... that's a scary experience 'cause that's when I really need them. Then I have to make my way to the bank and get statements from my accounts for the last two months or so so they can see how I've spent my settlement money and make sure I'm poor enough to qualify for Supplemental Security Income as well as my disability check every month. Then I have the appointment itself this afternoon. That'll be a barrel of monkeys. Then, provided the weather doesn't prohibit me from doing so, I pretty badly need to take out my trash and clean up the apartment. I haven't had anyone over in a while so I've gotten a little lax about keeping things clean. At least I got my laundry done this weekend... what a relief! It's amazing to me that I actually had enough underwear to last three weeks. Go figure...

Flaming red hair!!!

Yeah, so I went a little nuts and dyed my hair a tad brighter than I should have for somebody looking for a job. But what are the odds that my future employers are going to let me dye my hair such a brilliant shade of magenta? And I'm not exactly getting a ton of interviews, so why not brighten my hair, and thus brighten my spirits? Changes in my hair have always been closely linked to changes in my mood... whether it's a drastic cut (two months ago) or a drastic change in color, it's pretty evident that I've had a pretty drastic shift in mood as well. I was pretty depressed the last couple days, but today I kinda got out of my funk, and I hate to admit it, but going unnaturally redheaded helped that along quite well.

First paid shoot today!

I had my first paid shoot today. $75 an hour to get my picture taken? Fuck yeah. It was an interesting concept... lingerie on the beach. I haven't seen any of the pictures yet obviously, but I'm thinking it could be cool. It was hot as hell though, so I totally hopped into the water, lingerie and all. I had a lot of fun and got paid and hopefully got some great shots to add to my portfolio.

Oh my, oh my.

The novel is coming along better than could be expected for someone with as short an attention span as mine. I've written twelve pages so far. I went ahead and wrote the prologue and introduced my main character a bit who, in my first draft at least, is solely based on me. As I said before, I began writing in the middle, with what is freshest in my head. I was correct in my assumption that it would help me be more able to separate the necessary from the unnecessary elements of my story, but I also wonder if that's why I've ONLY written twelve pages so far. But really, as far as the more recent stuff goes, I've said about all there is to say. I don't think I need to overburden myself writing page upon page about the last month of my life, as life changing as it has been. I think the bulk of my writing material will be based on my relationships with my ex and my husband. Of course, I've told my husband I'm writing a book based on my life. He was not thrilled. He thinks he's going to come off looking bad. I told him flat out, "Of course you won't. The character who's analogous to you will though." That's kind of a bitchy thing to say, but he put me through enough that I think changing his name and the details of our issues is more than he deserves. And I'm pretty certain about using a pen name. I don't want mom disowning me either. :) As it goes right now, I'm writing my first draft as absolute non-fiction and with little to no dialog. Basically it's more of a fleshed-out outline. Once I get all the topics I cover onto paper, I can go back and sensationalize and fictionalize and change names and details. Ideally, none of the players in this story will ever be the wiser that I've written about them. It's an interesting process... very therapeutic, and also very time consuming. Both very good things.

The great american novel, and other stuff.

So I began writing my proposed novel yesterday. It's actually coming along surprisingly well considering my lack of focus. I'm beginning right in the middle of the story though. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. What it helps me do is realize what I need to explain in the beginning, and where I need to go with the story to come up with an interesting ending. Of course, there are a few things of which I'm already sure. The material for the beginning is all there, in my head, but the fact is that there's so much material that I need to weed out the unnecessary details. I need to make this succinct and readable without droning on about things that only I would find important.

So I have a couple shoots this week, both somewhat paid. One is going to be out on the beach, which should be fun.

I had a job interview today, which was a minor disaster. That's not to say I feel like I did anything wrong, but they basically had me believing there was no way I would get the job before I even sat down, and they made clear their unwillingness to train me. So... that one's pretty much fucked. I'll keep trying some other prospects until I finally obtain some sort of employment.

I go into the social security office in a week. That's going to be at the very least terribly frustrating, but hopefully I will come away from it having convinced them that my income and resources are limited enough that I require extra assistance from the government. I might even be able to get food stamps. We'll see I guess.

It's not so great experiencing it...

Well, even though my soap-opera life seems to get more complicated by the day, I'm very much looking to write about it all. Not in my blog, obviously, although I hint at things I probably shouldn't. Like I said, I need to write it all down in a short story or novel. Perhaps what I'll do is keep a real journal on my computer and see where that takes me as far as giving me ideas for my story. I could probably write ten chapters on my disaster of a marriage alone, and even then I don't think I'd necessarily be doing the absolutely disastrous nature of it justice. I shouldn't put it quite so harshly. My husband and I are still on cordial terms, but there's no denying how liberated and relieved I felt leaving him... that must mean the relationship was a little more than, as my therapist put it, "fucked up." That is a direct quote, by the way. It's funny hearing someone you respect and who's supposed to keep her cool drop the f-bomb. But yes, intrigue and drama sell, and if I'm going to be a serious writer, I've got to make someone want to keep reading. More importantly, I've got to write about something interesting enough to keep my attention long enough to write it. So that's my plan: keep the most truthful account of what has happened recorded, if only for myself to read, until I have enough material to take to a publisher, or at least a good editor. I don't expect to skyrocket to fame, but at least I can get an interesting story out there and see where it takes me.

Drinking is best left to the professionals

Lately I've been going to sleep very early. I mean, we're talking about between 5:30 and 8 pm early. Mostly out of sheer boredom and loneliness. So it was getting near my "bedtime" last night and I saw my neighbor hanging out on his porch, and we're on pretty friendly terms, so I went up to say hi. "Hi" turned into four hours of conversation and WAY more than I should've had to drink. He had quite a bit more than I had and still seemed pretty okay, but me, I was stumbling-ass drunk. Still, after I went back to my own apartment and proceeded to puke my guts out (and thank goodness I did... not terribly hungover this morning), I was still grateful for the company and having someone to really talk to. However, I think it would be in my best interest, next time I hang out with someone who's drinking, to just control myself and accept the offer of water rather than booze.

Celebrity crushes are fantastic

Celebrity crushes are fantastic and far superior to real ones. Allow me to explain myself. While real crushes can lead to wonderful things if they work out EXACTLY perfectly, 90% of the time they just get you hurt. It's easier by far to be far away, knowing there's never any chance of you even meeting, let alone getting personally shot down. Personally I have a celebrity crush right now, and the feeling is wonderful. It's so much less complicated than ANYTHING else in my life. I'm not saying who or why, but he's plastered all over my desktop background making me melt every time he smiles, which of course he's always doing because he's frozen in time. Aaah. Yes, I totally feel like a teenager, and even moreso because he's younger than me. :( I'm not REALLY that old, am I? Ah well. I'm not out to have ten thousand of his babies (although were he to offer... just kidding); I just like to look at him. It's that simple. Being able to appreciate someone's beauty without fear of rejection or intimidation is a lovely thing.

Fictionalizing the reality

Well, considering all that has transpired in my life over the last year or so, I am considering writing a short story and/or novel based on it all. Of course, that means I'd need to fictionalize it to some degree, more out of protection for myself than any of the key players. I don't really care if it hits too close to home for my husband, because he did me so wrong that I don't mind if something I write makes him uncomfortable. But I might take up a pen name or something to protect myself from scrutiny from my family... after all, they've never heard the whole story. They've never known the depths of the betrayal. So if I could quietly pass off my story as a good work of fiction, maybe that could protect them in some way. But in essence, I want to keep the story the same. Change names, locations, dates, etc., but mainly tell it like it was. I'll give it a shot and see how it works out.

The soap opera that is my life

My life is one big fucking soap opera right now. Too much drama, too many characters, too many story lines to keep up with at once. I'll tell you what the problem is: men. Perhaps it's more my interactions with them that are the problem... not sure. Got the husband I left still trying to be my best friend, the guy I'm currently "with", the guy I could see myself falling in love with if he'd only give me a chance, and then a flurry of others of varying roles and importance. And in the center of it all is ME. But I can hardly take myself out of the equation, can I? *sigh*

As far as the modeling thing goes, I have a shoot coming up on the 10th with another out-of-town photographer coming to the area. It's not REALLY paid, but I get some gas money out of it at least. I have another shoot coming up a bit later in the summer (depending on when they come down here) that I'm slightly nervous about, but I think we should be able to pull it off in a way I'll be pleased with.

The job front is frustrating as always. My caseworker at vocational rehab seemed more concerned with talking about the demise of my marriage than with finding me a damn job. Once I finally got her back on task, she was pretty helpful though. Filled out a couple applications, sent in a couple resumes, etc. And may I just say that HNS (code name for my neighbor... if you need to know what it stands for, just ask. :)) was extremely helpful the other night when he helped me write a new resume. I have a fucking awesome resume now! I have faith I'll get a job before my money runs out and I have to beg my parents for help. *fingers crossed*

Another day, another shoot

photo credit: Gary Eaton

So I had another shoot yesterday. It went relatively well, although most the ones I have gotten so far are nude... I'll post one that isn't though. I am getting a few offers to work with other photographers, but I have to be very careful which offers I except so I make sure I don't get sucked into doing something pornographic. Ah, life is difficult right now. The unemployment issue still lingers, obviously. I'm more focused on my personal life at the moment. On one hand, I've been talking to this one guy who seems sweet as can be, and on the other hand, I've had a few... indiscretions. I'm only human. Very human, as it turns out. But I really really need to work on that. I want to be better than someone living by the most basic instincts. I don't necessarily want to get back up on the high moral pedestal I used to put myself on in the past, but I want to be more than a human animal.

Do I know you?

It's funny when something comes along that makes you wonder about how well you really know yourself. I know I talked about that some in my last entry, but it's odd... it's like, you come across something, and you realize that either A) it's changed you completely, or B) you've been this way all along without expressing it. I'm leaning towards B. I like to think nothing small fundamentally changes who I am as a person. But hell, you never know.

Separation... from myself

I feel like my separation from my husband has more than just separated me from him, as the title of this entry clearly states. I've been separated from myself. I've done things I never dreamed I would do. I've been stupid. I've been careless. I haven't been ME. I'm trying to decide if all those are bad things. Perhaps the first two at least. Being me... maybe "me" wasn't the greatest thing to be. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind who I was. And I say "was" because I think any seriously traumatic event inherently changes you. But maybe, just maybe, being the new me isn't quite so bad. Well, I have a horrible aversion to being in a serious relationship right now. That's the key to understanding me. God, I do NOT want to get into a relationship. The thought petrifies me. It's self preservation... I cannot stand to go through what my husband put me through again. I know I'm not getting any younger, but I have no desire to have children, so who the hell cares? Single life doesn't suit me, but at the moment I feel like monogamy is a trap that I won't be able to escape once sucked in, and I can't deal with that.

Too bad they don't make GPS for your life...

I was going to start this entry with some random philosophical bullshit, but it just wasn't working for me. The truth of the matter is that I have NO FUCKING CLUE where I'm going in life. So many of my big, bright plans for the future have been completely derailed, and I really don't know how to get back on track, or where whatever tracks I get on will lead me. When I went away to Clemson, my life seemed so... certain. I was going into a major that would dump me right into a well paying job. I had a boyfriend who told me every day how beautiful I was and how much he wanted to marry me. My sanity was... well, at worst it was hanging on by a thread, but at best it was merely questionable. My parents were proud of me. Flash forward two years. My sanity flies out the window and takes me along for the ride. I have to withdraw from Clemson. My boyfriend dumps me a mere 8 days before our 4 year anniversary. My parents were... not necessarily less proud, but they treated me like a child, so fragile, to be protected. I meet my husband six weeks after my ex dumps me. I very nearly succeed in a suicide attempt, but at least I have someone who loves me. Flash forward 4 and a half years. Here I sit, as I am now: unemployed, separated from the one person I truly trusted after all that trust was ripped to shreds, sanity... still questionable. Did I mention, seven years in, I have yet to get so much as an associates degree? I'm quite sure I'm handling the separation in the most wrong way possible, but where is my map, where is my GPS, to tell me the right direction in which to go? And what the flying fuck am I supposed to do with my life? I'm blinking disabled... there are only so many things I can do with my life. Modeling... I love it so far, I really do. But it's not a job, and I have serious doubts that it ever will be (unless somebody just randomly chooses me to be their muse and throws paying work my way). Being honest with myself, I don't have the face or body for print work or runway. The best I can hope for is probably art photography. Hell, anyone can do porn, but that's just out of the question. I love my parents, and despite all that's happened, they're still somewhat proud of me, and I'd like to keep it that way. I still plan to finish my bachelor's degree (what's little left of it... four classes), but what the hell do you do with a BA in Biology anyway? Especially when you can't hold a job in the first place? I seem sometimes to have more questions than I do answers. Maybe the answers aren't for me to know. If I'd known even the last five years of my future before it had happened, would I have done everything in my power to change it for the better? Yes. Would I have learned what I've learned and grown as a person the way I have? I'm guessing not. I don't mean to get all hokey and overly religious, but I believe God knows what he's doing. I like to think that, anyway.