Honest to God

As much as I complain sometimes, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. So much has gone completely awry the last few months, but in the end, I'm happier and more in love than I've possibly ever been. I realize how irrational it is to jump back into a relationship less than eight weeks after leaving my husband and to even THINK about marriage after only two months together. I have honestly never felt the way I feel about the bf before in my life. Even with my ex boyfriend, the one I was with for four years, it wasn't a matter of falling in love so immediately. I feel like the bf and I have known each other forever after only 3 months (yep, tomorrow's the anniversary). I feel like I don't have to hide anything from him, that I can be myself for the first time ever. I'm not afraid of being in love now, not so cynical as you'd expect considering the situation when I left my husband. And above all, I've never been with anyone who understands me as well as he does and treats me as well as he does. *sigh*

I NEED A JOB!!!

Not having one is getting pretty effing lame. I know for a fact that I've been more than qualified for most of the jobs I've applied for, and still nothing. I think what it is is that I can only work part time. People don't want to hire part timers right now. But even the jobs I've applied for that were specifically part time haven't been calling me back. Yeah, I've had a couple interviews. I know for a fact I was passed over for a job at a convenience store in favor of a couple of complete idiots (according to the assistant manager) because I couldn't work full time. I work really hard and do great at nearly every job I get, and yet I've been unsuccessful at finding a job for nearly five months. That's fucking ridiculous.

This is the part...

where I swear off drinking for the rest of eternity. I only had three drinks, but I got so sick... and was having auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations all night. Not cool. Alcohol never used to do that to me... wonder what's with that new development.

Okay, now I'm stuck with him

So tonight was a first for me. I had my first orgasm during sex. EVER. That was pretty cool. But now I HAVE to marry the bf. There's a new sense of urgency. :) Good thing I'm already in love. I've obviously been drinking, as that's not something I'd typically share in a public place such as my blog. And yes I know my enlarged liver alone should be enough to keep me from drinking, but poor choices are my nature. Whatever. I'm happy. :D We'll see if I'm still smiley in the morning.

Back to the drawing board

Well, my ultrasound indicated pretty much nothing. But if nothing's wrong, why am I in so much pain? That's the question I keep asking. I'm having one more test done on Monday to see if my gallbladder's functioning properly. If not, that thing's getting yanked out with a quickness. But it doesn't appear to be cancer at the very least. That's definitely good. Although I think that worrying about it made me realize my life, with all its ups and downs, has been pretty good, and had I died, I would only have done so with one major regret, and no, that wasn't marrying my husband. As tough as it was and as horrible for my self esteem as it was, some good ultimately came out of it and I learned a lot about myself, so no, it wouldn't be my only regret. A major waste of time, most definitely, but I don't regret it.

Oh, I bought a lotto ticket today. The Powerball's at 150 million for the drawing on Saturday, so I scraped together some spare change and got a ticket. I usually only do the quick pick, but this time I thought long and hard and picked numbers that meant something to me. Not that gives me any greater chance of winning, but I like to think it does. :) I generally know what I'd do with the money. Number 1 would be splitting it 50/50 with the bf. Number 2 would be giving my parents and sister a couple million off the top. Number 3 would be expediting my divorce. Anyway, gotta run.

Sleep... it ain't happening

Between the pain, the insomnia, and the nightmares when I actually can sleep, it's just not fucking happening. I'm actually kind of getting used to the pain, although it's increasing daily. Does make it rather difficult to relax though. Insomnia's getting the best of me. I don't know if it's from worrying excessively or something else, but it's taking me forever to fall asleep, and when I do, I don't stay asleep. I slept maybe two and a half hours and I'm very nearly wide awake. And the last couple times I've slept (including an hour long nap earlier yesterday) I've had these really weird-ass nightmares. So right now I really don't feel like sleeping. It's probably a result of stress. But really, the last thing I need right now is to be sleep deprived. I'll never get better if I don't sleep.

Bitch, was that REALLY necessary?

The ultrasonographer at the hospital today was being a bitch. I know it's her job to get the best possible images, but she was being fucking brutal. First of all, I'm a fucking smoker. It's a bit of a stretch to ask me to repeatedly hold my breath for 30 seconds or more at a time. And she kept going over the same spot OVER AND OVER AND OVER... and of course it was the spot that fucking hurt the worst. That sort of makes me worry that she saw something there. Ah well, I'll get their radiologist to look at it and wait for my results like a good little patient, but if they try to blow it off and tell me nothing's wrong, I'm sending the films to my uncle (who happens to be chief of the radiology department of his hospital) for a second opinion. I'm trying my best to only be appropriately concerned and not more than that, but it's a challenge at times 'cause I hurt so bad and I feel like absolute crap.

It's setting in

The ambivalence. On the one hand, I'm afraid. On the other, I'm apathetic. Okay, worst case scenario: I have metastatic liver cancer that spread from my colon, which I already know is poised to go to hell on me at any moment. In such case, it would almost certainly be terminal. So that's scary, but at the same time, there's a definite numbness to it. So freaking what? I've been suicidal for about 13 years. But I'm not ready to die right this moment... I'm pretty terrified about dying actually. I have things to look forward to, things I absolutely want to do with my life. I wouldn't be able to marry the bf 'cause I'd have to stay married to my husband to keep my insurance. I wouldn't get to see Europe again. I would never get to see the nieces and nephews I'd have from my sister. I'd never finish my bachelor's degree. I don't want to go out with so much left undone. *sigh* I'm not going to freaking die. More than likely it's something highly treatable or curable, so any bit of worry is pretty silly. But I'm both a hypochondriac and a pessimist, so it's a little hard to stay upbeat about the whole thing.

Bleh

The pain is rather annoying, yes?

Some (possibly) scary shit going down

Well, it started out a week ago. I was having some tenderness in my belly last Sunday, went to the ER and junk just to make sure it wasn't my appendix. It wasn't. But then the pain was still there Wednesday, so I went to Doctor's Care. They took some blood, did a pelvic exam and all that, still no results. So I went to my OB/GYN Friday (just my annual), and she said it was nothing to do with anything in her specialty. Still tender, but nothing I was immediately worried about. But yesterday afternoon I started having shooting pain all over my abdomen. Went to the ER again, and they did a CT scan and some blood work and all that. My liver enzymes are high and my liver's enlarged. This could mean many different things, I discovered... anything from problems with my gallbladder to hepatitis to metastatic cancer. That's not fucking scary at all. I know sarcasm doesn't come across well over the Internet, but I hope it was clear how sarcastic I was being just now. I'm pretty freaking terrified. Add to that the fact I've lost over ten pounds in the last month and I've lost my appetite for the most part... yeah. I'm doing a pretty good job of not freaking out about it. I could be in bed, crying my eyes out, thinking the worst, but I'm not. I'm actually sort of relieved that they found something this time. It's always easier knowing you're close to putting a name on something, that you have a short list of what could be wrong, rather than just being sick and not having any clue why. I have to go back and get an ultrasound tomorrow, and they'll have the results of that by Wednesday. But no matter what it is, the second I find out I can start getting treated and be on my way to feeling better. Well, on the off chance it's cancer, I can start fighting it and try to make peace with the fact that I could very well die, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I'm strangely calm about the whole thing, but that's okay. Like the doctor said, it could be something as simple as needing my gallbladder removed, which, although it requires surgery, really wouldn't be all that bad. It's a pretty routine procedure and wouldn't horribly affect my quality of life.

On another note, my future ex husband might be moving away to NYC in the near future. Although it would be sort of a relief to know I won't ever see him again, it's not something I'm insanely happy about either. He and I have sort of made peace lately, as much as possible anyway. I don't harbor the ill will towards him that I once did, but at the same time, I am very satisfied with my life as it is now (aside from being broke) and there's no way in hell I'd want him back. But there's really no point wasting time and energy on being angry at him. He's got problems and will more than likely have a pretty miserable love life from here on out. I feel sorry for him. Never enough to want to take him back, but sorry enough that I can't really be too mad at him anymore. I hurt a lot for a long time, but that's over and I'm happy now, and if it weren't for him pushing me into the dark place he did, I may never have met my current boyfriend. I think everything happens for a reason. Anyway, that's all for now.

Gullibility is my downfall

So I found an ad on Craigslist looking for models for a clothing line. I thought, hey, this is a long shot, but it never hurts to try, right? I actually got a response. I was SOOOOO excited. The guy seemed legit, so when I went over and did my test shoot, I was even more excited. Then reality hit me. He offered me all these wonderful things, like a guaranteed spot with the clothing line, professional photo shoots, free clothes, royalties from merchandise, etc... if I spent the night with him. That was a big smack in the face. Here I am, this naive girl with big dreams, just trying to make my way in the world. I really didn't think people actually did that. I guess naive = gullible sometimes. I'm sure I'm much better off not having found out if the offer was genuine. But whether or not it was, it wasn't worth throwing away my relationship or self respect. *Sigh* Why do people have to be like that?

Worst. Hangover. Ever.

Yeah, so I had a really rotten hangover yesterday. It wasn't so much the nausea or the headache... that went away pretty quickly. I just felt like I was dying, and I was horribly crabby and emotional and pretty paranoid. I didn't drink all that much, but I couldn't take my medicine that night and I think it washed out of my system really quickly and I had a really bad reaction from it. I probably should've taken the bf to the hospital 'cause I'm pretty sure he had alcohol poisoning, but I was in no shape to drive and he's not as well covered by health insurance as I am. In any case, we've resolved to stop drinking for a while, especially considering we both made huge asses of ourselves. Never good. I'm feeling a hell of a lot better today. The person I'm unfortunately still married to is shaking me down for money I don't have, and that's pretty frustrating. Luckily the bf starts his job tomorrow so I more than likely won't have to spend my entire disability check on rent next month. My former job totally fucked me over yet again as far as unemployment's concerned and now I can't get it till the middle of October and at a reduced amount. Sigh. The money situation's getting pretty desperate, and I'm considering some rather drastic measures to remedy it. Hopefully it won't come to that.

In love

I hate to say it because things have moved so quickly, but I really am in love with the bf. Everything about our relationship just makes fireworks go off in my heart. The sad part about it is that I never felt this way about my husband. It's hard to describe exactly what that was... I guess it was a comfort thing more than anything else. But now I feel like I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life. The weirdest thing about it was that, after leaving my husband, I really thought I'd never want to get married again, or that I'd never trust a man enough to get into another serious relationship. Lo and behold, less than two months after leaving him, someone I never expected to fall in love with walks into my life in the most unlikely of circumstances, and all of a sudden I have eyes for no one but him. It's really terrifying how quickly I've fallen in love with him, but as I said, I've never been so sure of anything. And the idea of getting married again makes me immensely happy. I'm done with the mushy stuff now. :P

Oh, by the way

I had a really promising job interview and the bf got a job yesterday! YAY!!!

Fun shoot yesterday

I had a really fun shoot yesterday. I worked with a photographer visiting from Seattle, and we shot at Magnolia Plantation, which is easily one of my favorite places in town. I got to climb trees and crawl through bushes and go places that had "do not enter" signs and get topless where there was a good possibility of getting caught, and it was all around a good time. I'm sure we got some really cool shots, and it kills me to have to wait a couple weeks till he gets the pictures back to me. Ah well. I had fun, and really that's what modeling is to me. At this point it's more a hobby than anything else. Hopefully it'll eventually be more than that, but only time will tell. As I get more experienced and build my portfolio more, perhaps more paying jobs will come my way. As far as other stuff goes, I'm BROKE, but I still managed to pick up the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. I never read it before leaving my husband, but I swear it's got so much information... absolutely fascinating! I'm an addict. I might as well save some money and get a subscription or something.

Impulsivity gets me in trouble, but it's a hell of a ride.

I'm not the most romantic person in the world. I have my moments, but generally my timing is totally and completely wrong. I proposed to the bf while shit-faced drunk. We've only been dating a little over two months, and I'm not divorced yet, and did I mention I was fucking hammered? But he said yes. He actually said yes. I expected to feel horribly, horribly stupid for letting those words slip out of my mouth (and admittedly I was REALLY embarrassed), but honestly I haven't been so happy in a very long time. Our relationship has moved at breakneck speed... it's really more of the same. I have no idea why I'm so freaking sure of things, but all I know is that, after so little time, he understands me better than anyone ever has and I love him to death. I've already got the perfect dress picked out... assuming I can save up $2,300. *Sigh* I'm probably crazy. No, definitely crazy. But I'm so happy. :)