I feel worthless

My marriage still has me fucked up. I can't shake the mentality that I'm worthless, just because my stupid horrible son of a bitch husband didn't find me attractive, didn't respect me at all, and married me out of pity. It's gotten really bad. I've been having nightmares about him. And in all of them he's showing preference to other women and devaluing me and my feelings. I know his opinion shouldn't matter. I've got a man that loves me very much and treats me like an equal, but that fucking asshole is still in my fucking head!!! I don't know what to do. :(

Wow. Just... wow.

Well, just when I thought my husband couldn't be more of a dirtbag, out of the blue the chick he cheated on me with, well, one of them, contacts me. She was the one who actually lived with us for a week because her husband was beating her and she was a "friend" (wow I was stupid). I found out later he was cheating with her, but that's not where I was going with this. Anyway, she contacted me on Facebook saying she needed help getting in contact with him. I thought, well, whatever, the past is the past, so I gave her his contact information. Oddly enough she and I get to talking (mainly facilitated by the fact that she apologized profusely for putting me through what she did... little did she know that was the tip of the iceberg) and she tells me that one of her kids is his. Moreover, the kid was conceived while she was living with us. Honestly it wasn't that much of a shock because she was my friend on MySpace and I thought it was kind of suspicious that she had a kid approx. nine months after she'd lived with us, but still. This was the man that tirelessly tried to convince me I didn't want children, and he knocks up some chick. The worst part about it is that, from what she says, he's completely distant and shows no intention of ever meeting his daughter. That coupled with the fact that he'd changed his e-mail address and phone number without telling her... he's changed his phone number again so now I can't even get in touch with him except by e-mail, which he's not answering. Not good seeing as he and I aren't divorced yet. He makes me sick. And honestly, it wasn't his convincing that made me not want to have kids, it was the sinking feeling that he'd be a horrible father. I know I got my tubes tied after I left him, and I feel like it was the right thing to do, but the whole thing made me really question what kind of father I'd want a kid of mine to have. Clayton and I have talked a little about having my surgery reversed at some point if we're ever in a stable enough position to do it... we'll see what happens with that, but deep down I'm kind of hoping it happens. I know I couldn't handle a child now, but I'm only 26... I've got many more fertile years ahead of me in case things change. Uhg... got off topic. Basically my husband (I can't wait till I can call him my ex-husband) is a horrible waste of a human being and I'm glad I got away from him when I did.