Again and again and again

So I have my bazillionth interview tomorrow. Honestly, it wouldn't be my dream job, but a job's a job after nearly six months of unemployment. I don't know why my interviews haven't turned out better to this point. I work really hard and efficiently, I'm smart, I learn quickly, I'm friendly and outgoing... what's not to like? I have to admit though, my inability to get a job really gets to me sometimes. I take it more personally than I probably should. I start thinking there's something fundamentally wrong with me that makes people not want to hire me, like I'm worthless and don't deserve a job. I've got a bit of a decision to make though. Is it worth working only part time so I can keep my disability and Medicare, which is honestly pretty worthless, or should I be looking for a full time job with benefits? I guess it remains to be seen whether or not I am actually capable of full time work, but I think given the right situation I might be able to handle it. The reason that whole scenario comes to mind is that I think part of the reason I haven't found a job to this point is my unwillingness to work full time because of the necessity of keeping Medicare. But honestly, the idea of depending solely on Medicare when I get divorced and lose my husband's insurance terrifies me a little. My health is a little iffy *major understatement* and is Medicare really going to cover me well enough that I don't end up in the poor house? For example, Medicare will not cover a colonoscopy for me because I'm under 50, even though with my history it's definitely medically necessary. They only cover an annual gyno visit once every two years (aren't they called annual for a reason?), and a lot of specialists won't even accept Medicare patients under 65. And as far as disability goes, the government somehow expects me to live on less than $700 a month. I guess they don't expect me to be living on my own, because you're hard pressed to even find a hole-in-the-wall apartment for less than $450 around here. Okay, so let's assume I found a crappy little $450 apartment. That leaves me about $225 to live on. Then you take out $60-$80 a month for electricity, so that brings us down to about $150 a month. Then there's gas for my car, which runs about $75 a month just driving the bare minimum to go to my doctors and such, so that's $75 left for food AND my medical bills AND the costs that randomly creep up. That doesn't even account for paying for cable, internet, or paying my credit card bill. Even if I got food stamps, how the hell am I supposed to live on $674 a month, honestly? I either have to live with my parents, which they can't afford right now, or I have to live with someone who doesn't mind sharing costs with me (thankfully that'd be the bf right now). It's like they fucking want me to be homeless and not to get the medical treatment I desperately need. How is that fucking fair? And they say, oh, you can work as long as it's less than this number of hours and less than $980 a month, but if you work at all they try to come up with some reason to take your disability away or make you repay $10,090 in 30 days (like they did to me recently... still fighting that one) when they know your assets are less than $2,000 to begin with. SSDI and Medicare are so fucking worthless that it's almost better to risk my health working than to stay on them. *sigh* Not that I have much of an option now since I obviously am not having the most luck finding a job. Hopefully that will change.

Life lately

a hat I knitted for the bf's niece

So what have I been doing lately? A whole lot of knitting. I've had one interview, but that's about it. Well, I went through a rough time last weekend over the surgery. I was really upset because I was poorly medicated (that never helps) and was crying my eyes out over the fact that I'll never have children. I don't freaking want kids and I was a mess over it anyway. And then night before last I was a mess because I looked at my wedding pictures. It's hard not getting upset by it... it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and it was all a waste. It was the major event leading to the most painful and miserable time of my life. Anyway, whatever. I am very happy with where I am in my life now (except the unemployment). I am deeply in love, and it fills my heart with more joy than I've known in many many years. I'm terrified of meeting the bf's family though. We're going up to St. Louis around Thanksgiving, and I'm not really worried about how most of his family will like me. Just his mom (who's actually his stepmom). She sounds like she won't like me one bit. Especially after he tells her how we met (nope, they don't know about that yet...). I foresee a few whispered conversations about how wrong I am for him. *Sigh*

Surgery isn't my favorite thing in the world

So I got my tubes tied this morning. I'm officially sterile. I'm glad I did it. I mean, not jumping out of my chair glad, but it was necessary. The decision was almost solely based on the problems my illness poses. Number one: I'd have to go off my meds to carry a child, which would put us both in danger. Number two: I am terrible at handling stress, and children don't come in low-stress varieties. Number three: being on disability, it's horribly unlikely that I'd ever be able to financially support a child. Number four: being mentally ill, I couldn't put a child's needs before my health. And I guess it should be mentioned that I'm not even that fond of children. In a way it's a little sad, but it needed to be done and I'm glad they finally let me do it. My dad and the bf were there with me this morning, and it meant a lot having their support. All my friends and family have been really supportive about the whole thing, and I love them for that more than they know. Now I've just gotta chill out and heal. Luckily I'm really only going to have one small scar because they did the procedure laproscopically and only made one incision in my lower abdomen and went in through my belly button above it. The medicine they've given me for the pain seems to be working well, so I'm in pretty good spirits.