New picture!!!

photo credit: Gary Eaton

So I finally got around to doing another shoot after nearly a three month hiatus, and this is the first picture I got from it. I like it! I'm very excited to get more photos from the shoot. Hopefully I won't go so long between this time... money's really tight or I'd try to make a trip to Atlanta and try to get some more variety in my portfolio. The new tat is healing up nicely. I'll have to get a picture of it up here soon. I'm making stuffed chicken breasts tonight... swear to God, for baked chicken it has got to be one of the fattiest things I've ever come up with. :) Ah well. I've barely eaten today and I need to take my meds with at least 500 calories, so... yeah. Got an interview tomorrow! Fingers crossed!

Sort of a busy day today

Woke up WAY too early today... nuts. But I suppose I'm a little excited and nervous. I have my first photo shoot in more than two months this afternoon, and I'm worried it won't go well. I've worked with the photographer before so I know I'm not going to be uncomfortable or anything, but my life has been an utter train wreck lately and guess that's the only reason I'm nervous... seems like nothing could go right for me. And to be honest, I put on some weight since my last shoot. It's starting to come off since my meds were changed, but it's still extremely frustrating and damaging to my self esteem. Plus I have the new tattoo, and I'm not sure how that'll affect my modeling prospects. I just recently got the pictures from my last shoot and have been getting a lot of great feedback from them, which is definitely a boost to my ego. I suppose maybe I'm worried about getting too egotistical. Nah, never. :) I keep myself in check. After all, aside from a fabulous rack, I'm really rather average looking and kinda heavy. I just happen to be mildly photogenic.

Hm

I thought I had more to say than I actually do. I suppose things aren't too bad today. I'm happy and I'm well fed, and that's the important thing.

Things looking up? Maybe?

Okay, so things seem to be getting a little better. I interviewed for a job yesterday, and I just might get it. My new medicine seems to be killing my appetite a little, and I'm already starting to lose weight. The bf and I tried out for a movie Sunday and we should at least get roles as extras as there weren't that many people at the audition. I have nearly a full tank of gas and food in my belly, and all in all things don't seem so bad. AND I finally got my pictures from my last modeling gig, and they're GREAT!

food (stamps) for thought

If you're legally disabled, unemployed, and have absolutely NO money, why do they have to take for effing ever to process your food stamps claim? Okay, so I don't have my apartment anymore. It's not like I have NO freaking bills. I have to eat. I have to go to the doctor periodically. I have to buy medicine. I need to freaking pay for my health insurance. I'm living well below the poverty line. But could they go ahead and approve me? NOOOOOOOOO. Of course not. So I'm basically stuck eating buttered noodles for the next however many days. Hooray for that. :(

I need a new adjective

"Livid" doesn't really cover it lately. Today's bitching is on the subject of my unemployment insurance claim. So I waited for four (count 'em, FOUR!) hours at the unemployment office to find out that the restaurant by whom I was last employed had informed the unemployment office that I had quit my job. As you may well know, you can't get unemployment if you quit your job. I was so definitely fired from that job it's not funny. So there's something fishy going on there and they've fucked me big time by screwing me out of three fucking months worth of unemployment checks. GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

So effin livid

So my neighbor, who I got more involved with than I should have, is trying to bully the leasing office into not letting my bf move in because I met him in the hospital. That is not his fucking place to tell ANYONE anything of that nature. So he and I will be having a little chat here shortly.

Got my Nova back!!!

I love her I love her I LOVE MY CAT!!!

...and stupidity for all.

So I'm really, really stupid. I'm officially on YouTube doing something very, very stupid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Pexb-tqz6A
Yes, that is me doing an infomercial for bondage tape. But the thumbs up at the end is pretty effing funny. Getting a lot more views than I expected...

Broke sucks

I'm so effing tired of being unemployed, I swear. The upside is that I seem to have gotten on the right track with getting my novel off the ground. The craigslist ad really helped out, and I think I've found someone I can collaborate with. I've really gotta get focused and write some outlines. I think having someone on the outside will help the process of fictionalizing the story since someone else wouldn't know the details the way I do. I wish I could do it on my own, but the severe and utter lack of focus just doesn't make that work out too well. Maybe one day I'll be able to write on my own. If I ever do get to take that trip to Europe to clear my head, I'll try to write as I go along rather than trying to recall everything when I get back.

I'm a bitch, but what's new?

I ran into one of my future ex husband's coworkers yesterday when I was out with the bf, one of the ones that had come to the wedding. So apparently it's not common knowledge around his place of business that I left him. I may or may not have spilled the beans about WHY I left him as well. I admit to nothing! Ah well. It would've looked a little strange for me to be out with my boyfriend when I'm supposedly happily married. Gotta tell it like it is sometimes. Anyway. The bf and I got into a half-fight last night over something slightly stupid. He felt like a jackass, which wasn't my intention. I just wanted to get something off my chest and I wasn't as gentle as I could've been about it. I'm a bitch. I'm an asshole. I own up to it. But at least we seemingly came to an understanding.

Grah!

So I've been really, really, really angry lately. My meds don't seem to be working like they should (or at all, really) and I'm intermittently going out of my mother fucking mind. Shopping the idea of the novel in my head around to some area writers to see if someone's willing to collaborate. Having a LOT of money trouble. Had to do something I'm not particularly proud of today, but paying my bills is a lot more important to me than having to swallow my pride. My crush on Finland's hottest export is only deepening... it's nearly unhealthy. But at least Robert Pattinson has some competition now. :) I really can't think about much else to write except that it's Dad's birthday and the bf has been invited out to dinner with the family. Wonder if he'll accept. He's a little intimidated by my dad... possibly because Dad threatened to come after him with a baseball bat (jokingly of course, but my dad's a big man).

It's a Pantera day

Just listening to a little Pantera this morning... gotta love it. Had kinda a bad day yesterday. Well, the boyfriend had a really bad day, and I'm very worried about him. They totally have him medicated wrong. That's obviously not a professional opinion, but in my experience, I can tell when someone is getting like I was when I wasn't properly medicated. *Sigh* I have to take a brief break to talk about my new crush. Ville Valo is freaking hot as hell. I don't care if he wears makeup and is a skinny little Finnish man, I'm infatuated. :) And I don't care if no one knows who he is. The bf thinks my crush is cute. He's a lot more secure in his self esteem than I am. Every time he says a celebrity is hot my heart falls a little bit. I need to work on that. Why should it matter? He never calls them beautiful, but he tells me I'm beautiful. That's one word my husband never called me. It was always "pretty" or "cute" or "adorable," but never "beautiful." Not even on our wedding day. Oh, so I e-mailed the ex boyfriend yesterday. I call him "the" ex-boyfriend 'cause he's really the only one who matters... I was with him for nearly four years. Anyway, I looked him up on Facebook and found out he and his wife are having a baby. I am honestly happy for him... I know he wanted a bunch of kids. Anyway, I sent him a message congratulating him for the marriage and baby. He sent a message back thanking me and saying that he hopes all is well with me. I had to laugh... he has no idea the mess my life is right now. Current relationship excluded, my life is a fucking trainwreck. Ah well.

Vile does not begin to describe it...

So I went over to my future ex husband's place today to see my cat whom he's had since I went back in the hospital. When I walked in the door, I was confronted by womens' clothes, lingerie, and luggage in the living room. Okay, whatever. Hurtful considering he knows I come over to see my cat, but whatever. So I didn't find my cat right away, so I go looking around the apartment for her. Bad idea. Find a used condom sitting on top of the dresser. MY dresser, for that matter. Thank God I didn't really want it. But still, that's really disgusting and even more hurtful. I have not once thrown my exploits in his face. He doesn't even know I have a boyfriend now, to my knowledge. And he wonders why I asked to visit my cat when he's not there... fucking disgusting asshole. But I got my revenge. Well, technically I got my revenge in advance because it was before I got over to his place, but let's just say a few items he gave me ended up in a pawn shop. We'll not say which ones. Point is, every bit of contact I have with him (directly or otherwise) makes me want to purge him from my life that much more. I have an idea of who he's got staying with him too. Nightmares, you know.

Exciting stuff

So we're going to visit Grandma in Kentucky here in a week or two. That oughta be... interesting to say the least. See, my family in Kentucky are pretty religious and they're also pretty conservative, and I don't know if they know I'm getting divorced. Or if they do know, I don't know if they approve or not. I mean, my situation was pretty bad... he was openly cheating on me. I think that's a damn good reason to divorce someone, don't you? *Sigh* Should I even really worry about it? I'm already the black sheep of the family. My sister insists she is, but I'm pretty sure it's me. I'm the crazy one, the one with all the tattoos (wonder if they know about that...), the one who can't for the life of me finish college, the one getting a divorce after less than a year of marriage... yeah, I think I win. Gotta keep the bf on the DL though. Even if they think I'm justified in getting my divorce, I doubt they'd appreciate me dating so soon after leaving my husband. It's going to be a gigantic clusterfuck. That's all I have to say about it. But I'm still going to go 'cause I haven't seen my family in a very long time, and it's worth a little telling off to go up there and see them. Anyway, I'm supposed to go with the bf to visit his family in Missouri eventually, so it's really not fair to visit his family and not mine.

Yum

Went to Carolina's last night for dinner. It was fan-freaking-tastic! It was so rich, but sooooooooo good. Had the crab cake app, goat cheese salad, the flat iron steak, and creme brulee... holy fucking shit was that good. And I had a glass of Cote du Rhone (correct my French if I've misspelled please) wine, which was... interesting is the best way to put it. It was a really spicy wine, but it brought out the flavor of the steak so well. And we bought Clayton some nice clothes that look absolutely dashing on him. :) Anyway, that's all for now. Gonna go grab some lunch. :P