Blogging about tweeting about blogging about... you get the idea.

I joined Twitter today. Yeah, it is kinda weird linking my Twitter account to my blog just so I can blog about tweeting about blogging... Kind of round about, eh? It's not so much about jumping on the bandwagon. Well, that's part of it. It's more a curiosity though... who on earth would be interested in the asinine detailes of my life? I get a kick out of tweeting. I say the most random shit, but you don't have enough words to get off task. :P Ah well. Not a whole lot else going on today. I'm expanding my musical horizons a little bit beyond my usual Slipknot and Seether. Getting into some foreign stuff and goth rock. I still maintain (much to the bf's faked chagrin) that the cello is the sexiest musical instrument a guy can play. Followed by guitar, of course, but there's something about a good cellist that leaves me completely breathless. Probably why I dig Apocalyptica so much... by the way, their version of "Seeman" (also a Rammstein song) with Nina Hagen is pretty fucking awesome in an odd way. I'm just in love with the German language... it sounds really harsh, but being constantly angry, that's right up my alley.

My freaking awesome tattoo!!!

WICKED AWESOME!!! Yeah, so I said it was going to be a phoenix escaping a cage, but that just wasn't going to work without being freaking huge. So I got a phoenix surrounded by a stained glass frame instead. As you can probably see, the stained glass isn't done yet. I put in six hours in the chair yesterday and was in a lot of pain and really hungry, so I have to go back and get it finished in a few weeks. But I LOVE IT!!! Dave at Lucky 7's Tattoo is awesome!

How do you trust something so insane?

I'm not used to this shit. So I've been spending a lot of time with the new bf lately. It's all very confusing. First of all, there's his age. He's five years younger than me. When you're 25, five years feels like a lifetime. Then there's the little fact that I met him in the hospital. Then there's the fact that I've known him for less than a month, and a majority of the time we spent together was in the hospital. So WHY am I so nuts over him? I mean, it's pretty normal for me to fall for someone quickly when I get a good vibe from them, but in this case the flurry of emotions is really confusing and even slightly scary. The whole story of how we ended up being an item in the first place is pretty nuts. That's another story for another time. *Sigh* Some of it is the stark contrast between him and the last two major relationships I've had. Case in point, my husband never told me I was beautiful. He always used the words "cute" or "adorable" or on a good day "pretty", but never "beautiful". Beautiful just has an entirely different connotation, a sort of reverence, you know? And the bf has already called me beautiful. In a way it reminds me of my relationship with my ex, except without all the fighting and crying, and that's really what spoiled that one. He's more like my husband in temperment and more like my ex in affection. It's a pretty nice balance. But he's so young! He's not even almost 21. He JUST turned 20. Uhg. I didn't want to get involved with someone so soon after leaving my husband, much less did I expect to actually develop feelings for someone after my heart had been so completely and utterly torn to shreds. But life never happens the way you expect it to, does it?

Crazy things happen in the psych hospital

And I'm not talking about people thowing chairs or anything like that. Been there, seen that. That probably would've been preferable actually. I got too close to another patient. A guy much too young for me, nonetheless. I couldn't help it... he's such a sweetheart. But I feel absolutely retarded for breaking the cardinal rule of being in the hospital. You DO NOT get involved with another patient. You just don't. They've got just as many problems as you or they wouldn't be in there. But... yeah. I broke the rule. Not sure how it's gonna pan out.

I love body art

Ah... tattoos. They can be so ugly or so beautiful, but in most cases (unless you're just made of money and really fucked up) very very permanent. I put a deposit down on a new tattoo this afternoon. The artist is taking some time to study my reference images and create a custom piece for me, so I'm not actually getting it done till probably Wednesday. I'm going back to the same studio that did my last tattoo (still gotta get that shit fixed...), and although it won't be the same artist doing my tattoo this time as last time, I've seen some of his work and am confident he'll do a good job. I'm soooo excited. I love tattoos. I want like, a billion of them.

So what's my new tattoo going to be? Well, I'm getting it on my left shoulder, and it's going to be a phoenix escaping a wrought iron cage. The way I feel about it, a tattoo should mean something to you. My first one was a butterfly out of a book... I was 20 and stupid. It means nothing to me... it's just there. I don't dislike it or regret it, but I don't have too many feelings one way or another about it. The second meant something to me. I got two red roses (my theme flower from the wedding) with a gold band around the stem of each. I wanted to show the world my commitment to my marriage without getting his name or anything. I'm not saying it was a bad idea, but it means something different to me now that my marriage is down the toilet. When I get it fixed, the wedding bands will be bands of fire. Fire symbolizes something ephemeral to me... something that, without being constantly fed and nurtured, will burn out into nothing. How appropriate for my marriage.

The new tattoo will have a totally different meaning to me. A phoenix bursts into flame to be reborn. I am constantly being reborn, finding new meaning and new purpose. As for the cage, I want a reminder that I'm not trapped in any situation. I have the power to break free. No one can cage me (Aha! No more relationship tattoos!) or hold me back. I was REALLY hoping to get that tattoo today, but I'm more than happy to give the artist time to make a really cool design so it'll be something I actually want to permanently display on my body. SO EXCITED!

A recurring case of stupidity

So I just got back from the hospital... again. I was out for five days and then went to the ER and then back into the hospital. Tons o' fun. But my outlook is a lot better this time around and I seem to have my shit figured out. Unfortunately, my latest round of stupidity means I am no longer living in my cute little apartment. I'm living with my parents, and temporarily without my cat. The latter of those two things bothers me infinitely more, although I dislike the loss of freedom. My cat is the most wonderful little creature and I miss her terribly! Sigh. So the second recent attempt on my life is not the end to my stupidity, merely the very beginning, but I have nothing more to say on that matter. I had an epiphany in the hospital. I want to backpack across Europe next summer. A lofty goal, but I think living with my parents I could possibly be able to pay off my credit card AND save up the necessary funds. I already have a couple friends wanting to go with me, and I just think it would be the best time. Among my other goals are finding a steady job, finishing my degree, and starting to take exercise classes (with a buddy so I won't be so likely to quit). Noble, yes?

Yeah, so

You know, I'm tired of putting my foot in my mouth. I really don't mean it to happen like that, but I always seem to end up saying something stupid and end up regretting it like, five seconds later. Furthermore, I need to learn to be a lot less selfish. I find it hard sometimes to realize that I'm not the center of the universe. I get so wrapped up in myself that I don't realize other people have stuff going on in their lives too. Bleh. As nice as I can be, I sure can be a real asshole. Ah well. All I can do is acknowledge that I have a problem with that and then try to work on it. That's what I'm going to do.

What a week

Well, I spent most of the last week in the hospital, from Friday night till yesterday afternoon. Got my medication straightened out and did a lot of thinking about the direction of my life, and I definitely benefited from both. I feel a gazillion times better, thank goodness.

So... my personal life has gotten really absurdly complicated. I made some very incorrect assumptions about somebody and have probably ended up hurting someone else because of that. I feel like an asshole. I don't really get men. No, that's an understatement. For a sex that seems really easy to understand, they can be so fucking complex and their thoughts so elusive. It drives me mad, I swear to it.