It's setting in

The ambivalence. On the one hand, I'm afraid. On the other, I'm apathetic. Okay, worst case scenario: I have metastatic liver cancer that spread from my colon, which I already know is poised to go to hell on me at any moment. In such case, it would almost certainly be terminal. So that's scary, but at the same time, there's a definite numbness to it. So freaking what? I've been suicidal for about 13 years. But I'm not ready to die right this moment... I'm pretty terrified about dying actually. I have things to look forward to, things I absolutely want to do with my life. I wouldn't be able to marry the bf 'cause I'd have to stay married to my husband to keep my insurance. I wouldn't get to see Europe again. I would never get to see the nieces and nephews I'd have from my sister. I'd never finish my bachelor's degree. I don't want to go out with so much left undone. *sigh* I'm not going to freaking die. More than likely it's something highly treatable or curable, so any bit of worry is pretty silly. But I'm both a hypochondriac and a pessimist, so it's a little hard to stay upbeat about the whole thing.