Recurring dreams can kiss my ass

I have a lot of recurring dreams, and they're all upsetting. Well, one is just a theme... about once a week I dream someone's trying to kill me in some horrible brutal way. Then there's the one when I'm back on the rowing team at Clemson. I imagine I dream about that so much because it was borderline-traumatic. I was no good at it and they never let me forget it. That and the whole permanent injury thing. *sigh* Then there's the one where I'm back working at Cisco's. I think that one stems from wishful thinking. I miss working there a lot, and I often dream that they didn't really close down. :( The last recurring dream I have is the worst though, the most hurtful. It bothers me even more than some maniac trying to kill me. It's the dream closest to reality... discovering my husband was cheating on me. It's always the same girl, the first one (who he SWEARS he never had sex with... whatever). Even after all this time, all I've been through since, I still have that dream once or twice a week. Not the exact same dream... different iterations of it. But I always wake up on the verge of tears feeling like my heart has been freshly broken. My doctor yesterday said I'm doing remarkably well for having gone through my separation, but how do you feel anything but relief when you leave someone who keeps breaking your heart over and over and over? I still have a lot of feelings for him, but they're not the same. They stopped being the same when he told me he loved me like a sister and wasn't at all attracted to me. I've lost 98% of my respect for him. I don't put him on a pedestal like I did with the ex before him. He doesn't deserve the love and adoration I had for him and he doesn't deserve to have someone around who took care of him the way I did. I can stay on friendly terms with him, and I want to, but he's not some high and mighty character in my opinion. He could have done a lot to make things right, and he didn't. I didn't give up on our marriage, he did. I gave up on being treated like a roommate instead of a wife. I gave up on having my self esteem constantly ripped to shreds. I gave up on being treated like I can't fucking take care of myself, that I need HIM of all people to take care of me. How the hell can you take care of someone when you hurt them so badly and have no remorse for it? *Sigh* I'm just bitching.