Too bad they don't make GPS for your life...

I was going to start this entry with some random philosophical bullshit, but it just wasn't working for me. The truth of the matter is that I have NO FUCKING CLUE where I'm going in life. So many of my big, bright plans for the future have been completely derailed, and I really don't know how to get back on track, or where whatever tracks I get on will lead me. When I went away to Clemson, my life seemed so... certain. I was going into a major that would dump me right into a well paying job. I had a boyfriend who told me every day how beautiful I was and how much he wanted to marry me. My sanity was... well, at worst it was hanging on by a thread, but at best it was merely questionable. My parents were proud of me. Flash forward two years. My sanity flies out the window and takes me along for the ride. I have to withdraw from Clemson. My boyfriend dumps me a mere 8 days before our 4 year anniversary. My parents were... not necessarily less proud, but they treated me like a child, so fragile, to be protected. I meet my husband six weeks after my ex dumps me. I very nearly succeed in a suicide attempt, but at least I have someone who loves me. Flash forward 4 and a half years. Here I sit, as I am now: unemployed, separated from the one person I truly trusted after all that trust was ripped to shreds, sanity... still questionable. Did I mention, seven years in, I have yet to get so much as an associates degree? I'm quite sure I'm handling the separation in the most wrong way possible, but where is my map, where is my GPS, to tell me the right direction in which to go? And what the flying fuck am I supposed to do with my life? I'm blinking disabled... there are only so many things I can do with my life. Modeling... I love it so far, I really do. But it's not a job, and I have serious doubts that it ever will be (unless somebody just randomly chooses me to be their muse and throws paying work my way). Being honest with myself, I don't have the face or body for print work or runway. The best I can hope for is probably art photography. Hell, anyone can do porn, but that's just out of the question. I love my parents, and despite all that's happened, they're still somewhat proud of me, and I'd like to keep it that way. I still plan to finish my bachelor's degree (what's little left of it... four classes), but what the hell do you do with a BA in Biology anyway? Especially when you can't hold a job in the first place? I seem sometimes to have more questions than I do answers. Maybe the answers aren't for me to know. If I'd known even the last five years of my future before it had happened, would I have done everything in my power to change it for the better? Yes. Would I have learned what I've learned and grown as a person the way I have? I'm guessing not. I don't mean to get all hokey and overly religious, but I believe God knows what he's doing. I like to think that, anyway.