Being single would be so satisfying if it weren't so lonely

I suck at being single. I really, really do. You know, leaving my husband came with a huge sense of relief. I was shouldering way more than I could bear staying with him, and in the end I got out, and VOILA! Peace. I am finally at peace. Months and months of drowning in my own tears, over in as long as it took me to pack my things and get the hell out. I blossomed with self esteem and appreciation for who I am as a person. That is a wonderful feeling! After months and, if you really want to go there, years of feeling like I wasn't good enough, the utter freedom of only having my own expectations to live up to is fucking staggering! *sigh* I feel the need for a disclaimer. *Please excuse the liberal usage of the f-word in its many forms. I assure you it is less a dearth in my available vocabulary and more a love and appreciation for the most foul of oaths.* One of these days I'm going to write a blog entry without so much as a single f-bomb dropped, and it will be regarded on high as one of God's greatest miracles. *Please excuse the liberal usage of hyperbole. It's fun... don't knock it till you've tried it!* Okay, now I'm just getting way off task and getting slightly silly. What was I even talking about? *reads title of post again* OH! I remember now. But one more disclaimer. *Please excuse the liberal usage of the asterix. That is just a failure on my part to be creative with fonts and colors and other formatting bullshit.* Back to my take on single life. So in the face of all this freedom and relief and self esteem and whatever else I feel, there's a gnawing loneliness. You really don't understand how much you'll miss the little comforts of a relationship when there are huge, insurmountable issues staring you in the face, but after you leave, you're left with something else staring you in the face: nothing. No conversation to come home to, no goodnight kiss, no one to tell you everything's going to be okay, even when it's a bold-faced lie. The thing I hate most about being "single" is the sheer stupidity it brings out in me. I try not to think of it as gullibility so much as a desperate need to believe that every endeavor of mine will work itself out to my benefit, romantic or otherwise. I hate to reference the Twilight books AT ALL because I'm embarrassed to even be halfway through the series, but in one way and one way only, I relate to Bella. When Edward leaves, the only satisfaction she gets in life (in the form of a delusion, but I'm too well medicated for that) is from taking stupid risks. I feel that way now. I don't feel like I'm LIVING unless I'm being irresponsible. It's the only way to distract from the empty loneliness... and I wasn't trying to be redundant there. I'll explain. My previous major break up, having come after four years of tumultuous dating, left me lonely as hell... but I wasn't just "lonely." I was lonely for him. I'm not lonely for my husband. I'm just lonely. That's a rather new feeling for me.