It's not so great experiencing it...

Well, even though my soap-opera life seems to get more complicated by the day, I'm very much looking to write about it all. Not in my blog, obviously, although I hint at things I probably shouldn't. Like I said, I need to write it all down in a short story or novel. Perhaps what I'll do is keep a real journal on my computer and see where that takes me as far as giving me ideas for my story. I could probably write ten chapters on my disaster of a marriage alone, and even then I don't think I'd necessarily be doing the absolutely disastrous nature of it justice. I shouldn't put it quite so harshly. My husband and I are still on cordial terms, but there's no denying how liberated and relieved I felt leaving him... that must mean the relationship was a little more than, as my therapist put it, "fucked up." That is a direct quote, by the way. It's funny hearing someone you respect and who's supposed to keep her cool drop the f-bomb. But yes, intrigue and drama sell, and if I'm going to be a serious writer, I've got to make someone want to keep reading. More importantly, I've got to write about something interesting enough to keep my attention long enough to write it. So that's my plan: keep the most truthful account of what has happened recorded, if only for myself to read, until I have enough material to take to a publisher, or at least a good editor. I don't expect to skyrocket to fame, but at least I can get an interesting story out there and see where it takes me.

Drinking is best left to the professionals

Lately I've been going to sleep very early. I mean, we're talking about between 5:30 and 8 pm early. Mostly out of sheer boredom and loneliness. So it was getting near my "bedtime" last night and I saw my neighbor hanging out on his porch, and we're on pretty friendly terms, so I went up to say hi. "Hi" turned into four hours of conversation and WAY more than I should've had to drink. He had quite a bit more than I had and still seemed pretty okay, but me, I was stumbling-ass drunk. Still, after I went back to my own apartment and proceeded to puke my guts out (and thank goodness I did... not terribly hungover this morning), I was still grateful for the company and having someone to really talk to. However, I think it would be in my best interest, next time I hang out with someone who's drinking, to just control myself and accept the offer of water rather than booze.

Celebrity crushes are fantastic

Celebrity crushes are fantastic and far superior to real ones. Allow me to explain myself. While real crushes can lead to wonderful things if they work out EXACTLY perfectly, 90% of the time they just get you hurt. It's easier by far to be far away, knowing there's never any chance of you even meeting, let alone getting personally shot down. Personally I have a celebrity crush right now, and the feeling is wonderful. It's so much less complicated than ANYTHING else in my life. I'm not saying who or why, but he's plastered all over my desktop background making me melt every time he smiles, which of course he's always doing because he's frozen in time. Aaah. Yes, I totally feel like a teenager, and even moreso because he's younger than me. :( I'm not REALLY that old, am I? Ah well. I'm not out to have ten thousand of his babies (although were he to offer... just kidding); I just like to look at him. It's that simple. Being able to appreciate someone's beauty without fear of rejection or intimidation is a lovely thing.

Fictionalizing the reality

Well, considering all that has transpired in my life over the last year or so, I am considering writing a short story and/or novel based on it all. Of course, that means I'd need to fictionalize it to some degree, more out of protection for myself than any of the key players. I don't really care if it hits too close to home for my husband, because he did me so wrong that I don't mind if something I write makes him uncomfortable. But I might take up a pen name or something to protect myself from scrutiny from my family... after all, they've never heard the whole story. They've never known the depths of the betrayal. So if I could quietly pass off my story as a good work of fiction, maybe that could protect them in some way. But in essence, I want to keep the story the same. Change names, locations, dates, etc., but mainly tell it like it was. I'll give it a shot and see how it works out.

The soap opera that is my life

My life is one big fucking soap opera right now. Too much drama, too many characters, too many story lines to keep up with at once. I'll tell you what the problem is: men. Perhaps it's more my interactions with them that are the problem... not sure. Got the husband I left still trying to be my best friend, the guy I'm currently "with", the guy I could see myself falling in love with if he'd only give me a chance, and then a flurry of others of varying roles and importance. And in the center of it all is ME. But I can hardly take myself out of the equation, can I? *sigh*

As far as the modeling thing goes, I have a shoot coming up on the 10th with another out-of-town photographer coming to the area. It's not REALLY paid, but I get some gas money out of it at least. I have another shoot coming up a bit later in the summer (depending on when they come down here) that I'm slightly nervous about, but I think we should be able to pull it off in a way I'll be pleased with.

The job front is frustrating as always. My caseworker at vocational rehab seemed more concerned with talking about the demise of my marriage than with finding me a damn job. Once I finally got her back on task, she was pretty helpful though. Filled out a couple applications, sent in a couple resumes, etc. And may I just say that HNS (code name for my neighbor... if you need to know what it stands for, just ask. :)) was extremely helpful the other night when he helped me write a new resume. I have a fucking awesome resume now! I have faith I'll get a job before my money runs out and I have to beg my parents for help. *fingers crossed*

Another day, another shoot

photo credit: Gary Eaton

So I had another shoot yesterday. It went relatively well, although most the ones I have gotten so far are nude... I'll post one that isn't though. I am getting a few offers to work with other photographers, but I have to be very careful which offers I except so I make sure I don't get sucked into doing something pornographic. Ah, life is difficult right now. The unemployment issue still lingers, obviously. I'm more focused on my personal life at the moment. On one hand, I've been talking to this one guy who seems sweet as can be, and on the other hand, I've had a few... indiscretions. I'm only human. Very human, as it turns out. But I really really need to work on that. I want to be better than someone living by the most basic instincts. I don't necessarily want to get back up on the high moral pedestal I used to put myself on in the past, but I want to be more than a human animal.

Do I know you?

It's funny when something comes along that makes you wonder about how well you really know yourself. I know I talked about that some in my last entry, but it's odd... it's like, you come across something, and you realize that either A) it's changed you completely, or B) you've been this way all along without expressing it. I'm leaning towards B. I like to think nothing small fundamentally changes who I am as a person. But hell, you never know.