It makes me sad sometimes

Clayton and I were talking last night, and it brought up something that makes me sad when I stop to think about it, which would be all the things I've lost because of my illness. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't necessarily change things because I love him very much and my illness led me to meet him, but sometimes it's hard thinking about the way things could have been. I had a full scholarship to a good school in a good program, and I was unable to finish because of my illness. Right now I could have a masters degree (which is what I'd planned on) and a job I really enjoyed and made good money doing. I could've possibly avoided my disastrous relationship with my husband had I not been so dependent on him. I'm not saying I would've been happy with my ex-boyfriend, but him breaking up with me might not have led to a nearly-successful suicide attempt. Not to mention all the years and years of misery leading up to my eventual breakdown and loss of functioning. I could've had been a functional member of society rather than someone living off government assistance unable to work a real job. *sigh* I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life the way it is now. It's just one of those things where you wonder how things could've been different in a different situation. Some of it too is wondering how things would've been different had I sought help sooner. I went a few years without treatment while my symptoms just got worse... not smart. I just didn't want concrete proof that I wasn't normal. I thought I could handle my illness without meds and I was really, really wrong.