Impatient

I'm impatient. Granted, I've lost two pounds in the last two days, but I'm really sick of being heavy. People I talk to about it aren't very helpful. I have people telling me I look good, and it really bothers me because I don't look nearly the way I did a couple years ago. I know I can look better than this. I know I can feel better about myself than I do now. And at some point, it has to be about health. Of course I would love to get down to 135 or 140, but even 160 would put me in the healthy range for my height. I HATE not being healthy. My blood pressure has gone up, I can't fit into my cute clothes anymore, I have 1 bra besides my sports bras that fits... I don't care if I'm ever "thin", I just don't want to be overweight anymore. My new psychiatrist agreed that it's more than likely the medicine that's made me gain so much weight, but of course, there's not a whole lot they can do about that since I need the meds to be sane. He kept talking about changing my antipsychotic because I still hear the voices almost daily, but every other one out there causes weight gain and that's not an option. It's not to the point where they bother me a whole lot, so I'd rather just stay on the one I'm on because it's a "weight neutral" one (ie doesn't cause significant weight gain) and there are very few of those. On another note, the doctor said that, because my voices started so young (when I was 15) pretty much no medicine is going to be able to get rid of them completely. I'm fine with that. As I said, they're not really to the point where they bother me much, and they don't talk to me or command me to do things, they're just there. The medicine just pretty much keeps me in the state of mind where, when they do talk to me, I don't feel compelled to do what they tell me to. I'm never truly sane, to be honest. My sanity kind of moves along a spectrum, from nearly normal to batshit insane. Right now I'm in that nearly normal range, as I am the majority of the time, to the point people don't know I'm mentally ill without me telling them so. I don't try to hide it though. Just the opposite. I feel like the only way the stigma associated with mental illnesses will go away is if people are educated. I'm not ashamed, and like I said, most the time I'm nearly normal, and people need to see that. People with mental illnesses who get proper treatment can live pretty normal lives. Granted, I can't work full time and I need a LOT of treatment, but it doesn't completely take away my ability to function as a member of society. *sigh* Therapy has helped me an awful lot. I used to be so ashamed and so introverted. It's really nice being free from that.