There's something very erotic about cello music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdnD8660_W0

I am a really, really big fan of cello music, and I think I know why. Cello music reminds me of sex. It really does. It's bold or gentle, sweet or passionate, but always beautiful. Just the motion of playing the cello is very erotic, how a person's body moves with the music. I dunno, all I'm saying is that Clayton needs to learn to play the cello should we ever have the means of acquiring one. I think the real reason I bring that up is that literally everything recently reminds me of sex. I don't know if I'm going into some sort of hypomania or something, but hypersexual would definitely be an accurate description of me lately. Nearly every second of the day I'm thinking about it or dreaming about it or fantasizing or actively trying to get it. Not that he's unwilling to oblige me. If I want it I get it, and I love that about our relationship. We still cuddle and talk and all the things I need to keep me emotionally satisfied, but there's a good balance of the emotional and physical sides of our relationship, and thankfully those two things are not mutually exclusive.

I feel worthless

My marriage still has me fucked up. I can't shake the mentality that I'm worthless, just because my stupid horrible son of a bitch husband didn't find me attractive, didn't respect me at all, and married me out of pity. It's gotten really bad. I've been having nightmares about him. And in all of them he's showing preference to other women and devaluing me and my feelings. I know his opinion shouldn't matter. I've got a man that loves me very much and treats me like an equal, but that fucking asshole is still in my fucking head!!! I don't know what to do. :(

Wow. Just... wow.

Well, just when I thought my husband couldn't be more of a dirtbag, out of the blue the chick he cheated on me with, well, one of them, contacts me. She was the one who actually lived with us for a week because her husband was beating her and she was a "friend" (wow I was stupid). I found out later he was cheating with her, but that's not where I was going with this. Anyway, she contacted me on Facebook saying she needed help getting in contact with him. I thought, well, whatever, the past is the past, so I gave her his contact information. Oddly enough she and I get to talking (mainly facilitated by the fact that she apologized profusely for putting me through what she did... little did she know that was the tip of the iceberg) and she tells me that one of her kids is his. Moreover, the kid was conceived while she was living with us. Honestly it wasn't that much of a shock because she was my friend on MySpace and I thought it was kind of suspicious that she had a kid approx. nine months after she'd lived with us, but still. This was the man that tirelessly tried to convince me I didn't want children, and he knocks up some chick. The worst part about it is that, from what she says, he's completely distant and shows no intention of ever meeting his daughter. That coupled with the fact that he'd changed his e-mail address and phone number without telling her... he's changed his phone number again so now I can't even get in touch with him except by e-mail, which he's not answering. Not good seeing as he and I aren't divorced yet. He makes me sick. And honestly, it wasn't his convincing that made me not want to have kids, it was the sinking feeling that he'd be a horrible father. I know I got my tubes tied after I left him, and I feel like it was the right thing to do, but the whole thing made me really question what kind of father I'd want a kid of mine to have. Clayton and I have talked a little about having my surgery reversed at some point if we're ever in a stable enough position to do it... we'll see what happens with that, but deep down I'm kind of hoping it happens. I know I couldn't handle a child now, but I'm only 26... I've got many more fertile years ahead of me in case things change. Uhg... got off topic. Basically my husband (I can't wait till I can call him my ex-husband) is a horrible waste of a human being and I'm glad I got away from him when I did.

Happy 4th of July... I guess

Not a lot has been going on lately. My psychiatrist changed my meds around on Thursday, and although I've been more sleepy during the day and less sleepy at night, my mood's been a lot more stable throughout the day, which has definitely been a good thing. I must be PMSing though considering how overly emotional I've been. It's not really a mood thing, it's just emotional reactions. I'm having a hard time with Clayton being in such a funk. The worst part is that I can't really do anything to make him feel better other than listen and try to be positive. I'm not a therapist. I really don't know what I'm doing other than trying to mimic what my therapists in the past have done with me. As far as the mood swings, the ups and downs, I understand what he's going through, but the anxiety problems he has are completely foreign territory. I've had a few panic attacks, but it's nothing compared to what he deals with on a daily basis, and I really don't know what to do to help him when he's feeling bad. It's been stressful, but having my mood more evened out helps me a lot. We went and saw Toy Story 3 last night. It was pretty good. I'm looking forward to Inception coming out. Just seeing the trailers makes me want to see it so badly. I just realized that seeing the movie last night was the first time we'd seen a movie in the theater since Clayton was in the navy. It was nice, even though we didn't really have the money for it. I'm tossing around the idea of canceling my husband's life insurance. He doesn't help me out financially at all and I no longer have his health insurance, so I really don't see the point in benefitting from his death should he die. I really don't want him to die or anything like that, and it seems kinda morbid to insure him in case he does. I dunno. My dad thinks I should hold off till after we're divorced.

Trying to get by

Money's going to be really tight the next few weeks. Clayton took three days off work for the sake of his sanity, which, although I completely understand the necessity of it, is really going to hurt us financially. We have a lot of mid-month bills, namely two different debts I'm paying on totaling over $200. We'll have to work really hard to stretch our money as far as it'll go. The paycheck after that should be fine, assuming Clayton is able to work his full schedule, especially because I'll be getting more hours at work pretty much from next week on. Actually this past week I got over 19 hours, with my limit being 20, so the paycheck after this coming one should be quite a bit better than this one, as I only worked about 25 hours on this paycheck. I like working more. It gets me out of the house and interacting with people, plus I feel like I'm doing something productive besides sitting around and occasionally doing housework. I have to bake a German chocolate cake either today or tomorrow. It's a late birthday cake for Clayton. His 21st birthday and our anniversary were last Tuesday. We celebrated our anniversary on Monday seeing as we were having his family over for his birthday and we wanted to do something with just the two of us. We had a really special night. We made dinner together (feta-crusted chicken breasts with sauteed veggies and hummus and pita... I definitely must make the chicken again. It was awesome!) and ate by candlelight with a glass of wine. I don't think I have to say what else happened, but it was very special, and I've never felt closer to him. His birthday was kind of a bust for me though. First off, I had a few drinks after midnight the night of his birthday, which was a few too many considering how sick I got. Had the worst hangover the first part of the day, and then when we had his family over, I got stuck cooking alone in the kitchen while everyone else was having a good time and I felt very isolated. The worst part was not being able to really share in Clayton's birthday because I was busy entertaining his family. Granted his family was pretty gracious about the amount of work I put into entertaining them, but it didn't offset the feelings of isolation much.

Things aren't going so well

Clayton's illness is getting worse, to the point he's barely able to work. I'm going to try my hardest to beg and plead for more work at my job, but I don't know how well that'll go over. He's having to take some time off work and we really need something to help close the gap. Not to mention my hours have been cut severely, so really we've needed the money for a while, but we need it even more so now. It's really hard watching him get worse and knowing there's nothing I can say or do to stop it. He's doing what he can... he's getting treatment with a psychiatrist, but the meds aren't doing anything to level him out as far as his bipolar goes, and his anxiety has become almost crippling and that hasn't really been addressed by his doctor. One thing that really worries me about him is that schizophrenia runs on one side of his family. Although his mom doesn't have it, she has bipolar and has a half-brother that's full-blown schizophrenic, so I fear that his problems now may only be the tip of the iceberg. I have been trying so hard to deal with it with as much love and patience as I have, but I find myself getting so frustrated and feeling so helpless because there's nothing I can do to make him feel better. I love him so much, but watching him fall apart is tearing my heart to pieces. I don't know what else to do. I take him to his appointments, I make sure he takes his medicine, I give him the best pep talks I can muster, I comfort him when he's sad, and none of it seems to make a bit of difference. All the while I'm trying to get my emotions under control, because I've been up, down, and all over the place lately. The instability always seems to hit during the summer. I've got to get it under control. I've got to keep it together. I can't go to the hospital... who would take care of him? *sigh* I don't know. It's hard being the stable one in a relationship when really you're not stable at all.

Just when I want to be mad...

Okay, so I really don't go out of my way to be mad at my husband, but sometimes he does things that really, really infuriate me. But it seems like every time I have good reason to be mad at him he has another stroke of bad luck. This time it has to do with my health insurance. My policy was terminated recently and I'm almost certain he was the one who terminated it. I realize it was costing him a lot of extra money every month, but he told me he'd keep me covered till our divorce. Thankfully I have Medicare and Medicaid to fall back on, but they don't cover absolutely everything and I'll be very lucky if I don't end up in a monstrous amount of debt. So I honestly had good reason to be pissed off. Then his house burned down. I am sooooooo pissed at him, but at the same time, it's hard to be too angry at someone when their house burns down. I really don't know what to say. It honestly seems like every time I'm pissed at him he has a run of bad luck. Shortly after I left and he hit me up for $800 I really didn't have he had a motorcycle accident. The girl he cheated on me with who was his "soulmate" dumped him after I went in the hospital the second time last summer because she thought what he was putting me through was cruel. I find out he's trying to move to New York over some woman and leave the company he worked with (thus canceling my policy), and although he ended up staying with that company, the girl cheats on him right before he moves up there and dumps him a month later, and now with the insurance and his house burning down. Either he just has really bad luck or karma's biting him in the butt.