Crazy things going down

So a lot has happened this week. First I watched my husband fall apart, which he had always been so careful to not do in front of me. It was really hard to watch. He moved far far away to New York City, so in all likelihood I will never see him again. It has its perks, because even though I've forgiven him for what he did to me, I haven't forgotten, and it still makes me sad. Onto the two big news items: I'm engaged to the bf (from here forward the fiance). He asked me Tuesday night and it was very sweet and I'm very happy that he loves me so much. Other big news: we're moving in just over a month. To Grand Island, Nebraska. I didn't even know there was such place as Grand Island, Nebraska till a few days ago, but that's where we're headed. Over 1,400 miles away. The fiance has family there that he's been wanting to get to know better, and the unemployment rate there is ridiculously low, and the cost of living is really low too. I'm nervous about it, but I think everything will be alright. I'll miss my family a ton, and I'll miss my friends and my therapist a lot too, but I think it will be okay. And this will have to end here because I've seriously got to pee.

I'm so sad

Profoundly sad.

Multitudes of confusing feelings flying through my head

The title pretty much sums up the situation. I've been having a lot of confusing feelings lately. They mainly center on the bf. In a lot of ways I'm scared to death of marrying him. We haven't been together very long still, and who's to say he won't get tired of me down the line and leave me? That's not so much about me having a lack of faith in our relationship, but rather a lack of faith in any relationship. Who in his right mind would ever want to spend his whole life with me? On the other hand, I want to marry him so badly it hurts sometimes. I am so happy that I never want to let him go. It's all very confusing, and I don't know exactly how it's going to pan out. I don't want my cynicism and fear to make me miss out on what could be my one chance at true happiness.

Religious education

I started going to church with the bf a few weeks ago. I'm glad he decided he didn't mind going back, because I really feel a great sense of comfort when we go. I've even started taking classes to join the Catholic church. The funny thing about it is that I never went to church growing up. I had a relationship with God and I believed in Jesus Christ and all that, but I never had a deep understanding of what it meant to be a member of a church and to be a good Christian other than avoiding doing bad things. Now that I've been learning more about the faith, it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I feel like some void in my life I didn't even realize was there has been filled. My faith was put on the back burner while I was with my husband because, well, he was an atheist and I didn't have his support for any religious endeavors. I realize the fallacy of that now. Because in a way, when my marriage fell apart I felt like I had nothing. My faith that I had ignored for so long didn't come back to me immediately and I felt completely alone in the world. It feels good to have it back, but I realize it could be lost again if I don't strengthen it and nurture it. Hence the classes. I never want to feel that alone ever again.

The obligatory year-end post

The early part of this year can be summed up in one word: disastrous. My marriage was an epic failure through no fault of my own and I suffered a lot. Of course, it was partially my fault for not leaving my husband sooner than I did, but I wanted it to work out so much. Ah well. I learned my lesson about expecting a cheater to change. And this year has been disastrous throughout in regards to employment. I spent nearly seven months of this year unemployed, and now the job I do have isn't scheduling me, so I'm basically unemployed again. It feels like I can't catch a break in that aspect of my life. The one bright spot in everything was meeting the bf. If you refer to the beginning of my blog, I was very cynical about love and had lost hope that I'd ever find true love. He renewed my faith in love. I am the most in love I've ever been, and my family has welcomed him with open arms. Not to mention his family really seems to dig me. In that aspect of my life I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. So to sum up, a LOT of bad stuff happened this year, but my love life couldn't have turned out better.

*sigh*

I want a divorce. NOW. Yes, the whole point of me moving out was with the intentions of getting a divorce. But I realize the longer he stays in my life at all, the longer my pain and aggravation is going to be drawn out. I need him completely and totally out of my life and to never have contact with him again. That won't happen of course while he still has insurance on me, but the second I get a job with my own insurance I can divorce him and never have to talk to him again. It's becoming increasingly apparent that I'm going to have to take him to court one way or the other for it to happen in an expeditious manner. I really didn't want to have to, but I'm prepared to show evidence of his infidelity... a tattered old print out of a Craigslist ad of his I keep in my purse, e-mails from an account he gave me the password to between him and two other girls, his AdultFriendFinder ad (which is still up to this day) which clearly lists him as married and... well, that's the one whose content I won't discuss even though no one I know reads this blog, but needless to say it'll be a shock to the judge. I'm not willing to stay married to him freaking indefinitely. I want to move on with my life, and most importantly my bf says he won't propose to me till my divorce is final. It's not fair to keep him waiting forever.

While still sort of on the subject of painful memories...

My husband raped me once. I didn't want to have sex with him without a condom 'cause I wasn't on birth control yet, I said no, and he did it anyway. I had to get emergency birth control the next day. And since leaving him I've been raped twice. Never reported my husband because, well, I was married to him so even though I felt violated, I let it slide. The other two I never reported because I felt like they were my fault. *sigh*