Hooray for windfalls

I recently got Medicaid to go along with my Medicare, which is pretty great in and of itself because it cuts my copays down significantly. Today, however, I checked my bank account and $110.50 had mysteriously appeared in it from the Social Security Administration. That's the exact amount I pay for my Medicare premium. So this leads me to believe that it was my last month's premium reimbursed to me, which also leads me to believe that the state of Nebraska will be paying my premium. And hey, who couldn't use an extra $110 a month? I sure could...

Impatient

I'm impatient. Granted, I've lost two pounds in the last two days, but I'm really sick of being heavy. People I talk to about it aren't very helpful. I have people telling me I look good, and it really bothers me because I don't look nearly the way I did a couple years ago. I know I can look better than this. I know I can feel better about myself than I do now. And at some point, it has to be about health. Of course I would love to get down to 135 or 140, but even 160 would put me in the healthy range for my height. I HATE not being healthy. My blood pressure has gone up, I can't fit into my cute clothes anymore, I have 1 bra besides my sports bras that fits... I don't care if I'm ever "thin", I just don't want to be overweight anymore. My new psychiatrist agreed that it's more than likely the medicine that's made me gain so much weight, but of course, there's not a whole lot they can do about that since I need the meds to be sane. He kept talking about changing my antipsychotic because I still hear the voices almost daily, but every other one out there causes weight gain and that's not an option. It's not to the point where they bother me a whole lot, so I'd rather just stay on the one I'm on because it's a "weight neutral" one (ie doesn't cause significant weight gain) and there are very few of those. On another note, the doctor said that, because my voices started so young (when I was 15) pretty much no medicine is going to be able to get rid of them completely. I'm fine with that. As I said, they're not really to the point where they bother me much, and they don't talk to me or command me to do things, they're just there. The medicine just pretty much keeps me in the state of mind where, when they do talk to me, I don't feel compelled to do what they tell me to. I'm never truly sane, to be honest. My sanity kind of moves along a spectrum, from nearly normal to batshit insane. Right now I'm in that nearly normal range, as I am the majority of the time, to the point people don't know I'm mentally ill without me telling them so. I don't try to hide it though. Just the opposite. I feel like the only way the stigma associated with mental illnesses will go away is if people are educated. I'm not ashamed, and like I said, most the time I'm nearly normal, and people need to see that. People with mental illnesses who get proper treatment can live pretty normal lives. Granted, I can't work full time and I need a LOT of treatment, but it doesn't completely take away my ability to function as a member of society. *sigh* Therapy has helped me an awful lot. I used to be so ashamed and so introverted. It's really nice being free from that.

Gotta lose some weight...

Over the course of a year, I'd put on 40 pounds. I'm not going to blame my medicine or much of anything besides myself. My eating got out of control. I knew I was gaining weight and I was still eating a ton and not doing much besides sitting in front of the computer while I was unemployed (which was a lot of the time). Plus, I'd been bulemic and kept eating like I was still throwing up everything I ate after I finally got over it. Now I'm trying to fix the mess I've made of myself, and it's really hard. I'm eating a lot less (probably 1200-1500 cal a day tops) and getting my cardio and strength training pretty regularly, and I've quit eating fast food, which was definitely my downfall. I want to get down to 170 by the time I go to New York in the beginning of August (pretty much my weight this time last year) and I've already lost 11 pounds, so hopefully I can stay motivated with my diet and exercise, although I don't think that will be a problem with a clear goal in mind. With all the free time I have, it's really important that I stay active.

Been a while

It certainly has been a while since I blogged. I didn't have internet for a good while, and before that I was sharing a computer with six other people, so it was hard to make time to get my thoughts out there. More of the same, really. Small town life isn't the most exciting. I apparently no longer owe the government $10,000, which is definitely a plus. My hours have been severely cut at work, so even though I really enjoy my job, I'm exploring other options. Hate to say it, but Clayton's job isn't paying really well either, so we're both on the lookout for new opportunities. We've finally moved into our own place and it's starting to feel like home. I hated to do it, but I finally broke down and bought a scale. I've gotten really self conscious about my weight because it seemed like I wouldn't stop gaining, but luckily I seemed to top out right after we got out to Nebraska and have since lost ten pounds. I've altered my diet a LOT (no more fast food!) and have started exercising, so I hope to get back down to 175 by the beginning of August. Speaking of the beginning of August, I've decided to visit my husband in New York City. Plane tickets aren't that expensive and he actually said he'd help pay my way too, and I've never been there before. I'm very excited! I'm trying to arrange a couple modeling jobs (hence trying to lose some weight), but we'll see how things work out. It would be nice if I could actually profit from going though. :)

Nebraska!!!

So the fiance and I moved to Grand Island, Nebraska. We made it up here on the 15th in one piece, so that's good. I found a job bartending pretty quickly, and I really like my job. We're living with his mother and her family for the time being till we get on our feet, which is fine. She and I seem to get along really well. It's weird being in a small town. I mean, it's not THAT small, but it's still only about a tenth of the size of Charleston and we're surrounded by farmland on all sides. It's a huge change, anyway. Clayton has a job interview today that he's pretty confident about, so once we both have jobs getting our own place will be no problem. I'm so excited that things are working out.

Crazy things going down

So a lot has happened this week. First I watched my husband fall apart, which he had always been so careful to not do in front of me. It was really hard to watch. He moved far far away to New York City, so in all likelihood I will never see him again. It has its perks, because even though I've forgiven him for what he did to me, I haven't forgotten, and it still makes me sad. Onto the two big news items: I'm engaged to the bf (from here forward the fiance). He asked me Tuesday night and it was very sweet and I'm very happy that he loves me so much. Other big news: we're moving in just over a month. To Grand Island, Nebraska. I didn't even know there was such place as Grand Island, Nebraska till a few days ago, but that's where we're headed. Over 1,400 miles away. The fiance has family there that he's been wanting to get to know better, and the unemployment rate there is ridiculously low, and the cost of living is really low too. I'm nervous about it, but I think everything will be alright. I'll miss my family a ton, and I'll miss my friends and my therapist a lot too, but I think it will be okay. And this will have to end here because I've seriously got to pee.

I'm so sad

Profoundly sad.