Gotta lose some weight...

Over the course of a year, I'd put on 40 pounds. I'm not going to blame my medicine or much of anything besides myself. My eating got out of control. I knew I was gaining weight and I was still eating a ton and not doing much besides sitting in front of the computer while I was unemployed (which was a lot of the time). Plus, I'd been bulemic and kept eating like I was still throwing up everything I ate after I finally got over it. Now I'm trying to fix the mess I've made of myself, and it's really hard. I'm eating a lot less (probably 1200-1500 cal a day tops) and getting my cardio and strength training pretty regularly, and I've quit eating fast food, which was definitely my downfall. I want to get down to 170 by the time I go to New York in the beginning of August (pretty much my weight this time last year) and I've already lost 11 pounds, so hopefully I can stay motivated with my diet and exercise, although I don't think that will be a problem with a clear goal in mind. With all the free time I have, it's really important that I stay active.

Been a while

It certainly has been a while since I blogged. I didn't have internet for a good while, and before that I was sharing a computer with six other people, so it was hard to make time to get my thoughts out there. More of the same, really. Small town life isn't the most exciting. I apparently no longer owe the government $10,000, which is definitely a plus. My hours have been severely cut at work, so even though I really enjoy my job, I'm exploring other options. Hate to say it, but Clayton's job isn't paying really well either, so we're both on the lookout for new opportunities. We've finally moved into our own place and it's starting to feel like home. I hated to do it, but I finally broke down and bought a scale. I've gotten really self conscious about my weight because it seemed like I wouldn't stop gaining, but luckily I seemed to top out right after we got out to Nebraska and have since lost ten pounds. I've altered my diet a LOT (no more fast food!) and have started exercising, so I hope to get back down to 175 by the beginning of August. Speaking of the beginning of August, I've decided to visit my husband in New York City. Plane tickets aren't that expensive and he actually said he'd help pay my way too, and I've never been there before. I'm very excited! I'm trying to arrange a couple modeling jobs (hence trying to lose some weight), but we'll see how things work out. It would be nice if I could actually profit from going though. :)

Nebraska!!!

So the fiance and I moved to Grand Island, Nebraska. We made it up here on the 15th in one piece, so that's good. I found a job bartending pretty quickly, and I really like my job. We're living with his mother and her family for the time being till we get on our feet, which is fine. She and I seem to get along really well. It's weird being in a small town. I mean, it's not THAT small, but it's still only about a tenth of the size of Charleston and we're surrounded by farmland on all sides. It's a huge change, anyway. Clayton has a job interview today that he's pretty confident about, so once we both have jobs getting our own place will be no problem. I'm so excited that things are working out.

Crazy things going down

So a lot has happened this week. First I watched my husband fall apart, which he had always been so careful to not do in front of me. It was really hard to watch. He moved far far away to New York City, so in all likelihood I will never see him again. It has its perks, because even though I've forgiven him for what he did to me, I haven't forgotten, and it still makes me sad. Onto the two big news items: I'm engaged to the bf (from here forward the fiance). He asked me Tuesday night and it was very sweet and I'm very happy that he loves me so much. Other big news: we're moving in just over a month. To Grand Island, Nebraska. I didn't even know there was such place as Grand Island, Nebraska till a few days ago, but that's where we're headed. Over 1,400 miles away. The fiance has family there that he's been wanting to get to know better, and the unemployment rate there is ridiculously low, and the cost of living is really low too. I'm nervous about it, but I think everything will be alright. I'll miss my family a ton, and I'll miss my friends and my therapist a lot too, but I think it will be okay. And this will have to end here because I've seriously got to pee.

I'm so sad

Profoundly sad.

Multitudes of confusing feelings flying through my head

The title pretty much sums up the situation. I've been having a lot of confusing feelings lately. They mainly center on the bf. In a lot of ways I'm scared to death of marrying him. We haven't been together very long still, and who's to say he won't get tired of me down the line and leave me? That's not so much about me having a lack of faith in our relationship, but rather a lack of faith in any relationship. Who in his right mind would ever want to spend his whole life with me? On the other hand, I want to marry him so badly it hurts sometimes. I am so happy that I never want to let him go. It's all very confusing, and I don't know exactly how it's going to pan out. I don't want my cynicism and fear to make me miss out on what could be my one chance at true happiness.

Religious education

I started going to church with the bf a few weeks ago. I'm glad he decided he didn't mind going back, because I really feel a great sense of comfort when we go. I've even started taking classes to join the Catholic church. The funny thing about it is that I never went to church growing up. I had a relationship with God and I believed in Jesus Christ and all that, but I never had a deep understanding of what it meant to be a member of a church and to be a good Christian other than avoiding doing bad things. Now that I've been learning more about the faith, it's really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I feel like some void in my life I didn't even realize was there has been filled. My faith was put on the back burner while I was with my husband because, well, he was an atheist and I didn't have his support for any religious endeavors. I realize the fallacy of that now. Because in a way, when my marriage fell apart I felt like I had nothing. My faith that I had ignored for so long didn't come back to me immediately and I felt completely alone in the world. It feels good to have it back, but I realize it could be lost again if I don't strengthen it and nurture it. Hence the classes. I never want to feel that alone ever again.